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5 Green Flags for a Great Relationship

 

When it comes to dating and relationship advice, there is so much information out there on the RED FLAGS to watch out for in men. Although I do agree that they are important and they should never be ignored, there is a lot to be said about noticing what’s right about them and the relationship. I believe we get more of what we focus on. (I have noticed when I focus on what I consider Bruce’s flaws, the more obvious they become. And, when I focus on the many loving, admirable attributes he has, I experience more of those.) 

So, how do you apply this to choosing someone to date and share your life with? Well, while you pay attention to the negatives, why not focus on the positives? Look for what I call, the GREEN FLAGS.

Below are 5 Green Flags to watch for while getting to know someone.

  1. You can genuinely be yourself, relax and have a good time.

    You laugh and smile a lot. Conversation easily flows between you. You feel like you can be honest and speak your mind without fear of judgment or ridicule. If your partner brings out the parts of you that you are most proud of and keeps your head out of the darkness, that’s a major green flag.

  2. He can apologize.

    He takes responsibility for mistakes or something he did or said that hurts you. (This goes for you too.) He shows empathy and a good sense of himself. He can take responsibility for his life, his feelings, and the consequences of his decisions without blaming others.

  3. You have similar outlooks and want similar things in life.

    Things like your values and ways of handling money, playtime, and children are similar. Your vision for your future feels supported. Did you know that a major factor in divorce is differing outlooks on life and different goals? These differences don’t automatically become deal breakers, but they most likely will be the difference between a fun and easy relationship and one that takes work.

  4. You have healthy disagreements.

    Everyone knows that disagreements are a part of any lasting relationship but being able to have them without severing your emotional connection is a major green flag. You shouldn’t be worried your entire relationship is going to end every time you have a disagreement with your partner. If you are able to continue getting along in the immediate wake of an argument because it’s a signal that the relationship is more important to both of you than the ways in which you might differ.

And, probably the most important of all….

  1. You feel heard, respected, and safe.

    You don’t have to defend your boundaries around time, space and touch. They listen to what you say and take an interest. They have your back and don’t share things that embarrass you. If you do something odd or different than the group and your partner defends you, rather than ganging up with the others to make you feel self-conscious, that’s a great sign that they respect you. Many people have known exes that tried to embarrass them in front of others, even if it was in a half-hearted, joking manner.

While this list is not all there is to watch for, it’s a great start. If you can be yourself, have fun, have a healthy argument, share your life, apologize when needed and feel safe and respected, you have a good chance of being in a long-lasting loving relationship. 

 

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How Self-Aware are You? How we Unknowingly Create Problems in Our Relationships

I have to admit this is a bit embarrassing for me to share this. I have had many thoughts like, “ You should know better, you’re a relationship coach for heaven’s sake. What will they think!” And, I decided, I still wanted to share what I learned on a river in Wyoming in hopes that it would also help you. 

A few weeks ago Bruce and I went to Wyoming for a little time away. We stayed with my cousin and his girlfriend. They live on the North Platte River and we had decided that it would be fun to float down the river. The day came and all four of us headed to the river for a fun afternoon.  

My cousin and his girlfriend got in their raft and headed down the river. Bruce and I got into our raft and within 30 seconds he fell out.  

Now, like any good relationship coach would do, my reaction was; “OMG…YOU HAVE GOT TO BE EFFING KIDDING ME!” Now I didn’t say this out loud, but I was thinking this in my head. My next thought was, “I’m going to need to do this. He doesn’t know what he’s doing so I need to take charge.” (As my eyes were rolling.)

So I started paddling and trying to guide the raft where I thought it should go, the way I thought it should be done. He eventually spoke up by saying, “You just can’t help yourself, can you?” My reaction was, “Fine!” and I put my oar across my lap.  

We proceed down the river…BAM! We slam into the bank on the right. BAM! We slam into the bank on the left. I, of course, pushed us off of the bank and back into the channel. But, I sat quietly in the front, rolling my eyes thinking, “I knew that would happen…what an idiot.”

This went on for at least half an hour, and as we floated through a quieter spot, it came to me that this man, my wonderful man, is always kind to me…always. What was I doing? I was not giving him what I so appreciate in him. And then the thought, “What would support look like?” I felt foolish and embarrassed by my behavior. The truth was neither one of us has any real experience at this kind of thing. I probably would not have done any better if I’d been in the back doing the guiding.

For the next hour and a half, I came from support and encouragement instead of judgment. I relaxed and started to have fun and notice the amazing beauty of nature that was around us.

What I was reminded of that day was: 

  1. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes.
  2. We so often get in the way of our own joy with our judgments, opinions, and biases.
  3. Watch your expectations. It could have been a fun learning experience where we laughed and felt closer rather than being attached to “doing it right”.

The biggest ah-ha for me came the next day. It wasn’t even about Bruce. It was me, I’m the one with the trigger around incompetence. (Ugh…) I guess this is why self-awareness is the most important skill in relationships. 

I want to encourage you, the next time you’re frustrated with your partner, check-in with yourself.  How are you feeling? What’s the story you’re making up? How might this be more about you than them? And…what would compassion and grace look like? 

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How to Tell if a Man is Emotionally Attracted to You

Is he emotionally attracted to you? Or is he in it just for the sex?
Here’s how to tell.

I was working with a client this week and she’s at the point where she’s done the inner work and is ready to get out there and date. A question she brought to our session was, “It seems like there are so many men out there that are just interested in sex, how do I know if he’s interested in me or just wants sex?”

I frequently hear this question from women. It’s a great question because it shows me they’re taking responsibility for their experience in dating. So, I thought about it and I came up with four ways a man shows you that he wants more than sex and is emotionally interested in you.

1. He’s interested in your feelings and well-being.

He checks in with you. He asks how your day was and follows up if he knows your upset. He shows interest, care and concern for you and your life.

2.  He shares the highs and lows of his life with you.

He will talk about his fears and insecurities that he’s feeling. This isn’t about your relationship it’s about his work, or children…other areas of his life. It shows that he feels safe enough with you to open up and be vulnerable. It’s also not about vomiting everything that’s wrong on you either.

3.  He shares his doubts and concerns about your relationship with you.

He may even voice boundaries. If he only has an end game of sex in mind, he won’t bother. An emotionally mature person will bring up things as they come up so there is an opportunity to work through them.

4.  He will move the relationship forward in the direction that is important to you.

Also understand that they do this when it’s a similar direction they want in their life. For example, if it’s important to you to be married, not just co-habitate, he will move it in the direction of marriage if that is something he wants in his life as well. What’s important to you will be important to him.

There are more other things to look for as well, but these are four easy behaviors to watch for from him. These are things that men will do when they are emotionally attracted to you, not just physically.

Remember, men are always revealing themselves to us. Learn what to look for and believe them for a less stressful happier dating experience.

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How to Attract the Love You Want by Creating Desire

Mary is a successful woman. She has a lot going for her. She is an entrepreneur with her own company, has a good education, earns plenty of money, has great friends, and is proud of her independence. She’s worked hard to get to this position. 

Bob is also successful. He’s a partner in a company with a degree in finance and accounting. He met Mary through an introduction by a mutual friend. He took her on a date and they hit it off; both of them could feel the chemistry. Bob was instantly attracted by Mary’s mix of physical beauty and intellect. They shared their passion for business, music and college sports. It was easy to be together. And yet…something about Mary didn’t sit quite right with Bob. 

It was the way she talked about relationships. She often made a point of talking about how she “didn’t need a man for anything.” She was nice to him, but seemed to feel uneasy about letting him go out of his way to help her. She didn’t like holding hands on the street. She felt conflicted about being too vulnerable or “feminine,” or letting him pay for their dates.

Bob loved Mary’s independence and success, but he was starting to feel unappreciated. His efforts to impress or take care of her were often brushed off or seemed to go unnoticed. He knew this woman was amazing, but she didn’t make him feel like an amazing part of her life. He knew Mary respected him, but he never felt like she ADMIRED him. His attraction lessened as he got the feeling that he wasn’t the kind of man Mary needed…maybe Mary didn’t want a man at all. At least that’s what it felt like to Bob. 

So, full disclosure, Bob and Mary are fictitious names, but the story is true. It’s made up of what I hear from both men and women. Mary is the successful woman that wants to show how strong and independent she is and how much she “doesn’t need a man”, and Bob, who was truly attracted to her strength, independence, and passion for her life, just wants to feel needed and appreciated and to be part of her life, ends up feeling neglected and unappreciated.

There is a belief that has been ingrained in many women from the time we were little, that being independent meant things like:

  • never asking a man for help;
  • never allowing a man to do you a favor;
  • never feeling comfortable praising a guy for what he brings to the relationship; and
  • never letting him feel “needed.”

Many of us have misunderstood how being INDEPENDENT in this way makes a man feel unimportant. We are so set on proving we can make it all on our own, that we forget that men need to feel special and appreciated too. 

There’s a different dance here between showing independence and making a man feel good in your presence.

What I now know is a romantic relationship is not about competition or proving your independence, real strength is being vulnerable enough to receive the help and support he wants to give you and making him feel special and appreciated while showing that you’re not needy. You will be the incredible woman in his eyes who makes him feel like even MORE of a man in her presence.     

The Thing About Men

Every man has an ego. Some are bigger than others, but all guys have them. Even those nice guys that are absolute sweethearts. They have egos too. And any great guy with self-esteem, needs to feel important on some level. 

I’m not talking about flattery, or being insincere or inauthentic about how you can’t live without him – I mean REAL appreciation and interest in his best qualities. 

Men need to feel like a winner around you. Period. No matter who they are, a guy is happiest around a woman who makes him feel his best, or who inspires him to become his best. 

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her. 

So, how do you do that?

Here’s how:

1.  Show interest in his goals and ambitions

…and believe in his ability to get what he wants but also be sure to let him know of any big goals of your own.

2.  Give validation when he does something thoughtful.

If he makes an effort, buys you a gift, or plans an incredible day for you, show him hints of your enthusiasm and enjoyment (e.g. tell him, “That’s so thoughtful, I love it!” Or if he tells you he just made a reservation at an amazing restaurant, say “I’m excited!”).

3.  Return a compliment.

If he compliments you, say thank you, wait for a while, and then later give him a compliment in return. The trick with this is to keep the compliment subtle and low-key (e.g. tell him he has kind eyes, or nice dimples) or else it will seem like you’re over-praising him, which removes any challenge.

4.  Allow him to do something helpful for you.

Guys love to perform acts of service for women. If he wants to carry your heavy bags, bring over hot soup and painkillers when you’re sick, or drive you home even though it’s 20 minutes out of his way, allow him to help and give him the chance to come to your rescue.

5.  Give him a chance to shine in front of you.

Give him some little compliments or brag about him in front of others. Keep it small and sincere. This isn’t about inflating his ego, it’s not even about what the other people think, it’s about making him feel special and appreciated by you, showing him that is how you see him.

I need to mention one small caveat. This only works when he is showing interest and investment in you as well. Follow his lead here. Otherwise, you’ll be boosting his ego and teaching him he doesn’t have to make any effort.  

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her.

I invite you to give these tips a try and see what happens. Small changes, even 5%, can significantly change your impact and outcome.

I’d love to hear how it goes!

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How to Raise Your Value in a Man’s Eyes (What Men Really Want!)

I remember going on dates when I was single and thinking, “I hope he likes me.”  Because if he likes me I’ll get a second or even a third date and maybe it will turn into something more….

From talking to many women every week, I know I’m not alone in thinking this. We as women want to be liked! Society tells us from the time we’re little girls how important it is to be nice. 

The problem is, when a man thinks you’re nice he’s probably going to like you, but being nice just means that someone sees you as a nice person. It’s desire that makes you magnetic, exciting, unpredictable and attractive. 

Being liked won’t necessarily get you another date, but being desired probably will.  

Do you know what men really want in a woman? Boundaries!

Yes, it’s true. That quality, healthy-masculine male that we all want, is attracted to you by boundaries. Why? Because it shows self-confidence. It shows that you won’t be pushed around and you know how to prioritize your own needs, and will let him know what they are.

(Contrary to popular opinion, good men want strong women that they don’t have to rescue to take care of all of the time.) Actually men are attracted to women who show that they have a deep sense of self-respect. I think of it as being able to choose your well-being over his just for the sake of getting along or being in a relationship.

The result of this is a better-behaved man and he sees you as a woman to value. We do teach people how to treat us.  

This is also a natural filter to weed out the narcissistic, abusive type of guys. Because, if a guy fails to respect these boundaries, the self-respecting woman doesn’t stick around.

Woman that value themselves are always willing to walk away from situations where they feel unsafe and undervalued.

Let’s turn the tables. Years ago I dated a really nice guy…really nice.  He did pretty much whatever I said, avoided conflict, would not stand up to his children, and didn’t assert his interests. In time I not only lost respect for him, but I noticed that I was starting to be mean to him and lost my attraction to him. I ended it quickly. 

When you start going along with everything just to make him happy, or never speaking up for yourself, it drains you of that attractive energy that made him attractive to you in the first place. Being agreeable does not equal attractiveness.

I’m not suggesting you become a bitch, diva or self-centered, I’m talking about healthy boundaries. In all relationships you still need to respect three important parts of your lives.

  1. Your time
  2. Your emotions
  3. Your needs

If you find that a guy doesn’t respond respectfully or is insensitive or ignores your boundaries then it’s time to speak up or move on.  

Remember…choosing your well-being and respect for yourself is far more important than any need to be in a relationship.  

The most irresistible women have no hesitations communicating their needs. They’re not worried about driving the wrong guys away because they know the right one will respect her boundaries. This doesn’t mean playing it super-serious all the time. It just means standing up for your own needs, and not settling for a situation with a man who falls short of your criteria, be it for commitment, affection, physical attraction, or kindness and generosity. 

This quote really hit home in a powerful way when I read it: 

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” 

For a man, nothing is sexier than being on a date and realizing he’s with a woman who values herself by showing self-respect and confidence. Men want a woman with expectations, which they then desperately want to meet. 

Bottom line: If it’s a choice between being respected or being nice to the point of being a people-pleaser, choose being respected. It’s much more attractive. 

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You Can Be Powerful and Feminine

Women, choose to challenge the way you work. You can be powerful and feminine!

In the 1970s married women began entering the labor force in great numbers. At the same time, women also stepped into a world that had been designed and built to work for men. We were expected to work and succeed in a business world built on masculine paradigms. Our anthem became Helen Reddy’s song, I am Woman. We rose to the challenge, and we proved that we could compete and fight… and win!  

Because of that, most women I know assume that working harder and faster is the way to get greater and greater results. We believe we can keep up with this strategy, year after year, decade after decade, hammering everything in sight with the same tool.

That approach may work, and get results for a while, but it’s not sustainable.

Not if you are a woman. 

So many women I talk to are successful, but they’ve been working until they drop to achieve their goals. Their life looks amazing on the outside, but inside something is SCREAMING for  attention. Exhaustion levels are high, and they are STRUGGLING to keep their energy up.

We all know that we need to do things differently, we’ve been talking about work-life balance for years, but are we really much further? Has much really changed?  Can it really be different if we don’t move out of the outdated way of thinking?  (The truth is, It doesn’t really work anymore for men, either.)

I am this woman.  I entered the workforce in the 80’s when we put on our heels, shoulder pads in our suits and made it our mission to rise to the top and show men we were just as good, if not better than they are. We were brought up on the idea that we could, “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you’re a man.”  

By the time I was in my late 30’s, my adrenals were worn out and I crashed. If you’ve never experienced this, it’s kind of like being a zombie (except for the eating brains thing). You’re flat lined emotionally and your body never quite reacts to stress the same way again. In fact, my body wanted to avoid stress. Because I didn’t have the tools and information that I do today, it took a long time to recover.  I began to look for answers.

What I found was, despite our pursuit of work-life balance, there are three frequently unrecognized mistakes that we women do that keep us exhausted and deplete our energy.  

1. We’re stuck in Man-Mode: Do, do, do …..  

We work too hard and juggle too much and compete with men to show them we’re just as good or better. This approach takes a lot of focus, and focus takes a lot of testosterone. The average man has 20-30% percent more testosterone than women do. We’re just not physically made to work the same way.

Why is this important?  Because of the impact on our health. (remember my story?)  I talked with a woman last week with a similar story except she ended up in the hospital.

Since the 60’s we have seen: 

  • a 60% increase in female cancers
  • 75% of women experiencing adrenal fatigue
  • 1 in 5 feeling depressed 
  • the number of heart attacks in women tripling (every 34 seconds a woman dies of heart disease)

2. We don’t prioritize our desires.

This is the engine behind success! When a woman is out of touch with her dreams and desires, she slowly dies inside because of not doing what she desires.

3. Our mentors are in man-mode also.  

‘Boss babes’, ‘slay all day’ are common phrases and memes we frequently see to motivate women. Yet, even Gloria Steinem, one of the founders of the feminist movement, has said that they put too much expectation on women.  She said, “We set women up to fail telling her she could do it all, all at once.”  The truth…is no one can.  Not even men.  

With all of your responsibilities women take on we have become disconnected from our true power and are finding ourselves doing life and work in a way that drains us much of the time. 

Living our lives in ‘Man-Mode’ is not sustainable for women. It’s time for us to re-balance ourselves and learn to use our natural strengths…as a woman.

Does this sound like you?  This is no fault of yours, it is just how we were taught to do life!

But there is another way, a way that fills you up, let’s you shine and live your purpose in a way that is supported by community.

This “other way” allows you to understand and re-learn how to be in your true power, as a woman, to then be able to fully shine your gifts!

What makes a woman confident is her ability to call upon her feminine wisdom.

So often in our world we tend to think of strength as a quality that arises from a place of firm determination and a will to succeed no matter the cost. Even though we might want to think of a strong woman as being defined in this way, what really makes a woman confident is her capacity for listening to her true self and being able to call upon her feminine wisdom to any situation that may arise. A woman does not need to step into an assertive role or act like a man in order to be effective at what she does–she simply needs to get in touch with her insight and sense of compassion to truly demonstrate the depth of her strength. 

Listening to the feminine side of ourselves may not seem easy at first for this type of energy is something that is often overlooked in many aspects of our everyday lives. If we can connect with this part of who we are, however, we will find that there is an unlimited wellspring of strength available to us.

As we celebrate National Women’s History Month in March, let’s raise a glass and toast to the leaders of our past and present that got us where we are today. Then consider our future, where we are going and how we want to get there.  

The theme for this year is #ChoosetoChallenge. Personally, I love this! 

From challenge comes change, so let’s all choose to challenge the way we’ve been working and living. Our capacity to tap into our intuition and listen to our inner self, to take into account the needs of those around us, and to view a situation with compassion and love are ways that we can show the world the true power that is part of our feminine nature. Not only will we see the world in a different light, but we will truly start to realize the potential for this form of energy to both empower ourselves and those around us.  

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