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You’ve Always Had the Power

I woke up with this message this morning and I wanted to share it with you. 

To all of the amazing women in the world. The time has come for women to claim their true power and contribute to the world in a way that we haven’t seen in centuries, maybe never. 

Ladies, when it comes to love and relationships, you have always had the power. Women are the Holy Grail that men seek. Men need our light, our softness, our sensuousness, to experience the world in a way that is different than they see it. 

For over 50 years, in an effort to break out of stereotypes and take our place at the table, we have rallied around the thought that men are bad and women are good. I get it, I was part of it. And, after decades of beating them down, we now have a world of disempowered men that are shut down and angry. What if you knew that it was men’s soul purpose to protect and provide for those in his “circle of love”? And yet, for decades they have been told that we don’t need them. They are only wanted, not needed. When men have to defend themselves from us they cannot be in a place to cherish and protect us. 

Look around at the power you have. We are the creators. Look at what we have created. Is this the world you want to live in?

Ladies, my message to you today is, you have it within you to change this. YOU ALREADY HAVE THE POWER.  But we can’t bring balance to our world without empowering men.

Did that scare some of you?  Did you stop breathing for a second at the thought of going back to what it has been?  A world where we were not safe?  I feel you.  

Ladies, this is about going forward with love. What would it be like to live among more empowered men? Men that can be our partners at work and at home.  

Ladies, you have that light in you that will welcome them in and show them the way. It is up to us to lead with love, compassion, and so important… boundaries.  

The opportunity we face is that many of us are disconnected from our light. We have lived and competed in the masculine world for so long we either don’t know we have a light, or have lost the connection to turn it on.  

Imagine for a minute, thousands of women with their internal, energetic ‘love light’ turned on acting as thousands of lighthouses calling men to the safety of home. Where we are all safe and loved. Where men can feel needed again and have purpose again. Where they now know how to stand by our side to change the world together. We don’t have to do it alone.

Now some of you may say, ugh!, just more that women have to do. Well, the one that leads is the one that knows the way. You know the way.  

Ladies, it is time for change. You hold the power. It’s just you. It’s your light. I want to help you find it again and turn your ‘love light’ back on or turn up the wattage to bring the love you have always wanted into your life and guide us into a better, more loving world.  

Will you join me in changing the world? 

If this resonates with you and you want more, or if it irks you and you want to have a dialog, I welcome both.  

I want to invite you to join me in my private Facebook Group, Relate, Date and Mate – where I will be talking about this topic more and we can privately explore it together.   Just click the link above and join me and the other ladies for support and conversation. 

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Receive and Reinforce

Receive and Reinforce–this is the 5th tip and the last in the series: 5 Ways to Bring out the Best in a Man.

In the previous tips I’ve talked about how it is in men’s nature to want to protect and provide for the people that are important in their lives. In order for this to work, we need to be able to receive what they offer. Think about this: nothing can be given if it is not first received.

Ladies, on a scale of 1-10, how would you say you are at receiving in general? 

Most women I work with tell me they are terrible at it. If you’re wondering if that’s true for you, try asking yourself a few questions: 

  1. A friend gives you a compliment on your outfit; how do you respond?  Do you simply say “Thank you”? Do you dismiss it all together? Or, say thank you but then downplay it by saying it’s old or you got it on sale?

  2. Your friend gives you a gift for helping her with a project. How do you react? Do you simply say “thanks”? Or, do you go on about how they didn’t need to do that?
  3. A man offers to help you with something that is easy for you to do. How do you react?  Do you say, “Thank you, that would be nice.”? Or, do you say, “No, I’m fine, I’ve got it.”

How you reacted to the above questions tells you something about how much you are able to receive from others.  Many women I know struggle with this concept because they are more practiced at giving and taking care of others than they are at receiving. This continual giving actually drains us. Women are designed to receive.  

Let me explain.

A concept that many women are not aware of is the difference between masculine and feminine energies. Now this topic alone is big and I can’t explain all of it in this email, so for now, I’m just going to hit the main points. Stay with me….

At our core, we all have a predominant energy that is either masculine or feminine. Generally, women have feminine core energy and men have masculine core energy. (This is largely determined by the amount of the hormones testosterone or estrogen.)  This energy plays a major role in our lives and our relationships.

Masculine energy is all about action, giving, decision-making, and problem solving. Masculine energy is action and assertiveness.

Feminine energy is more about being, feeling, receiving, vulnerability, and openness. Feminine energy is more about being in the moment instead of doing.

While men and women need to be able to utilize both energies in their day-to-day life, romantic relationships need the polarity of masculine and feminine energy for there to be sparks of attraction. The mistake many women unknowingly make is showing up operating from their masculine energy (not your fault, and I’ll explain that more starting next week) instead of in a receiving [receptive] mode of feminine energy. If you can’t receive, he can’t provide. If he can’t provide (it doesn’t have to be money), he’s not needed. Men do not stay in relationships where they are not needed.

I also hear from women that men are intimidated by smart, successful women…. That’s not true either. It’s more about whether a man can see a place for himself in a woman’s life. Many women tell me men will say to them, “You don’t need me.” And they often hear that as a good thing instead of understanding that what he is saying is he doesn’t see a way to contribute to your life.  

If you don’t create space for him to provide something for you, a man will move on to where he’s needed and appreciated. If a woman is not receptive, the relationship cannot develop into a mutual giving and receiving.  Unfortunately, because of the way society currently operates, many of us have to work at learning to be receptive. 

This is a simple story, but it will illustrate my point. I’m a pretty independent woman and there’s not much I can’t do for myself. One Sunday, Bruce offered to carry the laundry basket to the laundry room for me. My first reaction internally was “Why?  I don’t need you to do that.” When I said, “No, I’ve got it,” he let out a BIG sigh and said “FINE!”  

Well, I was smart enough to know that wasn’t good. 

I quickly shifted gears and said, “Ya know, if you’d like to carry down the laundry that would be great.” Then something magical happened that I hadn’t noticed before. I noticed how it made him feel to ‘provide’ something for me that was helpful. He was happy and kind of all puffed up.  

Now I know this may sound silly to you, but it made him feel good, and that made me feel good. This goes back to the whole reason to bring out the best in your man. If he feels good about himself and the relationship, and he has a way to protect and provide for you, you get more of him. It’s a win-win. But it won’t happen if you can’t graciously receive his ‘gift.’ 

Which brings us to reinforce.

Again, what you water grows. I know this shows up in every tip, but there’s a reason. I can’t stress this enough. Thank him. Let him know you appreciate his efforts. What I have experienced in genuinely receiving the intention of his action is a desire to reciprocate his gift. If you can tell him what the impact was for you from what he provided, even better.

I know that for some of you this information about masculine and feminine is new, or you don’t feel like you fully understand it. I invite you to watch for my posts in the next few weeks as I’ll dive in and explain how these energies work and what polarity means to you.

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Asking Him For What You Need

We’re at the fourth tip in my series: 5 Ways to Bring Out the Best in a Man—Asking Him For What You Need. When a woman asks a man for what she needs, she is supporting tip 2 and tip 3 by showing him he’s needed and setting him up to win.

In the first weeks, I talked about the fact that men want to protect and provide for you. Given that rule of nature, if you don’t ask for what you need, men will give you what they think you need. Or, they’ll assume everything is okay and you don’t need anything.    

Many women don’t know how to ask men for what they want, or don’t think it’s OK to ask. For me, this was a difficult skill to master.  In my early years of dating and relationships, I so wanted to be accepted and loved I rarely asked for what I wanted or needed for fear that asking might upset him and he’d leave.  

But, not asking for what you want means you’ll most likely eventually resent him, and that leads to a lot of hurt feelings and conflict. So today, I thought I’d give some tips about how to ask for what you want.

When first dating, one of the important things women often don’t consider is how asking a man for what she needs reveals about him. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you set up tests to see how he reacts; what I’m saying is when you ask for something that makes you feel happy, safe, special, desired or taken care of, pay attention to how he responds. Does it feel good? Was he respectful or kind? Did you feel empowered, brushed off or put down? This information helps you to make decisions about whether or not this is the right relationship for you.  

If you’re already in a relationship (maybe even for years) it may take a little longer for him to hear you (your routine is already established), but change can and does happen.

To create the kind of situation that enables men to communicate fully, remember this:

1. Get clear about what you want.

Complaining is not asking. “The trash is overflowing and stinks!!” or “I have to do everything round here” might get women’s attention, but not men’s. They’re not stated as clear requests. Saying, “It would make me so happy if you’d take out the trash for me tonight after dinner” is a clear request, he knows he’ll get points by making you happy, and it has a timeframe built in. Can you clearly state what you want and why it’s important to you?

2. Create a good atmosphere.

Make sure it is a good time to ask a question or make a request. This means when he is not doing anything else (including things you don’t think are important). To check, you can ask, “Is this a good time to ask a question?” Don’t take it personally if he says no. Ask him when would be a good time to talk and try again at a later time.

3. Simply state what you want.

Don’t spend a lot of time on the front end trying to explain and justify what you’re asking for. Just ask, politely, for what you want. If you don’t ask for what you want because you’re afraid that you won’t get it, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, that may lead you to say you “don’t care” or “it’s not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you’ll resent not getting what you want or start to feel that he doesn’t care.

4. Make sure that you don’t have a “right answer” in mind.

If his answer will get him in trouble with you, he can tell this and is likely to avoid answering at all. Be open and willing to be surprised and learn something from him.

If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, most of the time you’re going to feel rejected and disappointed. And there’s no reason for this.

When you give him a chance to make you happy, he will likely do it—IF he knows how!

Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your dating, relationship, or marriage more fulfilling and happier for you both. 

 

 

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Set Him Up to Win

Our next topic in How to Bring Out the Best in a Man is how to set him up to win. One of the first and most important things to understand is that when he wins, you win. When he feels good about himself and the relationship, he will want to connect and provide what you want.

Let’s go a little deeper in the male psyche.

We already talked about how men naturally want to protect and provide for you. It is also in men’s nature to play for points. They play to win. (It’s part of their ‘hunter’ mentality.) For men, failure is equal to shame. When they continuously fail to win with you (make you happy), they experience shame.

One of the things I did when I started dating Bruce was make it easy for him to know that it was safe to take the next step, to continue his pursuit. I did this by letting him know what I liked and thanking him for the efforts I saw him make—doing what he said he would do or picking a restaurant I enjoyed. (By the way, this was very different behavior for me.) 

Today, almost 12 years later, I still make a point to notice and appreciate what he does and what makes me happy. 

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and he came to me a few days ahead and told me he was stressing about what he should do for my special day. Like every year, I smiled inside and told him what would make me happy; he relaxed and made it happen. I was very appreciative. Do you think he’ll want to do that again? Of course! By knowing what I wanted and telling him, I won and so did he.

Let me break this down into 5 easy points to remember.

  1. Assume innocence. Assume he wants to please you. 
  2. Tell him what you need/desire. Don’t expect him to read your mind.  You have to have spent some time diving deep into yourself to know this. 
  3. Make space for his masculine energy. Relationships need polarity. Step into your feminine and let him take the part of leading direction and action. You lead depth and intimacy. 
  4. Lead with receptivity. Can you receive what he wants to provide? 
  5. Support him; what you water, grows.  Notice what he does: “It makes me so happy when you do_____.”  Rather than thinking, or saying, “It’s about time you got that done,” try, “When you trimmed the border out front that made me sooo happy.  It looks so nice.”

It may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice the easier it will become.

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Show Him He’s Needed

Showing a man he’s needed is how you bring out the best in him. 

A man wants to feel like a man. And he feels like a man when he’s needed and desired by a special someone, you. It’s in his evolutionary genes; he loves the role of being a protector. And he feels good about himself when he sees himself as the provider of your happiness and security. 

One of the biggest misconceptions I see out there is women thinking that asking for help from a man makes them ‘needy.’ You’ve heard me talk about this before in other posts.  I can’t say it enough: Every man wants to date a woman who’s in control of her life, and no man likes a woman who’s too clingy or needy all the time. But sometimes, your independent streak could make your man feel undesired.

It’s not hard to make a man feel needed and wanted. Because women mostly assume men think and feel like we do, we miss what it really is that makes them feel good. In other words, what makes you feel needed isn’t going to be what works for him.  Almost always, it’s the little things that have the biggest impact.

As I said, a guy needs to feel needed in a relationship.

When he feels like he’s needed it gives him purpose, he feels good about himself and the relationship.

He assumes he plays an important part in your life, and that makes him try harder to be nicer because he believes his behavior towards you has an impact on your life.

Here are 5 ways to show him he’s needed:

1. Let him know you respect him.

This is HUGE to your guy. Your respect and what you think of him plays a big part in how he feels about himself. If you think he’s worthless, or not capable of doing something, it’ll hit him harder than his biggest critics.  If you can’t respect him, he’s not your guy.

2. Appreciate him, or What you water, grows. 

Appreciate the little things he does, even if he doesn’t expect acknowledgment for it. If he fills a glass of water for you, or does your laundry, don’t just take it for granted even if it’s a regular chore. Thank him for it. You’ll notice him smiling to himself.  My man has a little chuckle that comes out when I express my appreciation.

3. Ask him for help. 

Allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him. As strong and capable as you are, let your guard down in front of him and let him see your vulnerable and soft side. Talk to him about things that trouble you and make him realize just how much you need his support too.  When my father passed away in January, Bruce was there.  I loved knowing that I was safe and loved, wrapped up in his big arms.  And, read #2 again.

4. Ask him for advice. 

If you want to make your guy feel needed and wanted, just ask him for advice. It’s as simple as that! Asking him for advice shows your man that you respect him and value him enough to do something based on his judgment and opinion. And he can’t get a bigger boost than that. He’ll swell up with happiness, and he’ll feel really good about himself within minutes!

5. Don’t reject his efforts.

This one breaks my heart. Trust me, I get that sometimes this one is haaard.  Do not reject his effort to make you happy. If he sneaks up on you from behind to hug you, or if he messes the kitchen up just a little while preparing breakfast for you, don’t criticize him for that. Men play for points.  And, failing is how men experience shame.  He’ll feel stupid for trying to do something nice for you, and he’ll resent you for it.  Here again, if you don’t like what he’s offering, move on.

Ladies, here’s something that may be hard to hear. This isn’t all about you.  This is also about how your man feels. A question that struck me a few years ago is Why would I ever want this amazing, generous, loving man to feel bad?  If you haven’t already noticed it, watch for the way couples that you’re around treat each other. Watch what a man will attempt to do and how often he gets shut down. You’re right, sometimes what they do seems so wrong or even stupid to us, and I encourage you to look for their heart in their actions.

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Boundaries

A few days ago I went to the pet store to pick up dog food.  I asked them if they would be willing to bring it out so I could pick it up curbside, they were more than happy to do this for me. What I thought was interesting was, although I felt a bit uncomfortable going out, and I did want to make sure I was physically distancing myself, I felt funny asking.  I felt like I wasn’t being nice. What the heck!

But, there it was, that feeling that so many of us get, that instinctual, societal pull to be nice.

Because of a program I’m developing for clients, my mind has been on the topic of asking for what you need and personal responsibility, I started thinking about boundaries. Boundaries are essential to keeping ourselves safe. Being able to have and enforce boundaries is a foundational part of a healthy relationship.  I find it boils down to this. Communicating a boundary is just telling our truth about what we want and need.

So why can it be so hard to do?

Well, it’s a few things. Part of it is instinct.  There is that primitive part of our brain that says, “Be nice or you’ll be kicked out of the clan and you won’t be safe.”  Society, especially for women, plays a part in influencing the roles we play. And, most of us were raised to “be nice.” What I often find with my clients is a disconnect with what they value and truly desire. And, we can’t ask for what we’re not aware of.

I can remember when I was younger and didn’t know myself, the only boundary I had was blowing up when I’d had enough.  It was often the proverbial, straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back” situation. It usually wasn’t even that big of a deal, and often directed at a person that I felt safer with, not the one with which I really had the issue.

What have you experienced? How are you doing with distancing? Are there times you’ve done things you weren’t comfortable with because you didn’t speak up? How does that show up in the rest of your life? How does it show up in your relationships and dating?

If you’re up for some self-exploration while we’re isolating, here’s something you can do.  Pay attention to how often you can catch yourself saying yes when you really want to say no. Don’t worry about the situation or circumstances, just notice how it feels in your body. I felt it in my chest, other times it’s been an uneasiness in my stomach.  Do you feel angry or frustrated? Or, maybe disappointed? Do you feel like your choice has been taken away and you can never have it your way? What comes up for you?

Another thing you can do is take some time to think about how you show up in your past or present relationships with men. Is it easier to ‘say no’ in every other part of your life except with men you’re interested in or have a relationship with?

I’d love to hear what you notice. I invite you to join my private Facebook group, https://www.facebook.com/groups/relatedatemate, where it’s a safe place to talk about this kind of thing. Come on over and say hi and tell me what you noticed.

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