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Boundaries

A few days ago I went to the pet store to pick up dog food.  I asked them if they would be willing to bring it out so I could pick it up curbside, they were more than happy to do this for me. What I thought was interesting was, although I felt a bit uncomfortable going out, and I did want to make sure I was physically distancing myself, I felt funny asking.  I felt like I wasn’t being nice. What the heck!

But, there it was, that feeling that so many of us get, that instinctual, societal pull to be nice.

Because of a program I’m developing for clients, my mind has been on the topic of asking for what you need and personal responsibility, I started thinking about boundaries. Boundaries are essential to keeping ourselves safe. Being able to have and enforce boundaries is a foundational part of a healthy relationship.  I find it boils down to this. Communicating a boundary is just telling our truth about what we want and need.

So why can it be so hard to do?

Well, it’s a few things. Part of it is instinct.  There is that primitive part of our brain that says, “Be nice or you’ll be kicked out of the clan and you won’t be safe.”  Society, especially for women, plays a part in influencing the roles we play. And, most of us were raised to “be nice.” What I often find with my clients is a disconnect with what they value and truly desire. And, we can’t ask for what we’re not aware of.

I can remember when I was younger and didn’t know myself, the only boundary I had was blowing up when I’d had enough.  It was often the proverbial, straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back” situation. It usually wasn’t even that big of a deal, and often directed at a person that I felt safer with, not the one with which I really had the issue.

What have you experienced? How are you doing with distancing? Are there times you’ve done things you weren’t comfortable with because you didn’t speak up? How does that show up in the rest of your life? How does it show up in your relationships and dating?

If you’re up for some self-exploration while we’re isolating, here’s something you can do.  Pay attention to how often you can catch yourself saying yes when you really want to say no. Don’t worry about the situation or circumstances, just notice how it feels in your body. I felt it in my chest, other times it’s been an uneasiness in my stomach.  Do you feel angry or frustrated? Or, maybe disappointed? Do you feel like your choice has been taken away and you can never have it your way? What comes up for you?

Another thing you can do is take some time to think about how you show up in your past or present relationships with men. Is it easier to ‘say no’ in every other part of your life except with men you’re interested in or have a relationship with?

I’d love to hear what you notice. I invite you to join my private Facebook group, https://www.facebook.com/groups/relatedatemate, where it’s a safe place to talk about this kind of thing. Come on over and say hi and tell me what you noticed.

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How to Let Go of Your Fear of Dating

Many independent single ladies don’t like the idea of dating. For some of us, anxiety takes over. For others, dating was never a priority. And some women have had their fair share of dating. And none of these relationships ever progress.

There are many reasons why women can develop fears of dating. You like your independence and worry that you’ll lose yourself in a long-term commitment. Perhaps you don’t want to approach a handsome man out of fear that he won’t like you. Or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll step into the same toxic relationship you just escaped.

Whatever the reason, these fears shouldn’t keep you from trying again. Dating is playful, introduces you to new people, and teaches us a lot about ourselves. Here are a few ways to let go of your fear of dating.

Just Breathe

Taking deep breaths may sound cliché, but there’s a reason therapists and coaches use it in their sessions. Anxiety is linked to our “fight or flight” response, whether the danger is real or not. By slowing down your breathing, you’re activating your calming system and slowing down your heart rate, which enables you to think and act clearly and more rationally.

Stop Judging

You already put so much pressure on yourself in your career and family life. Don’t do that on your dates too. Are you wondering whether you’ll be judged on your looks, the way you talk, or how you feel? When we judge ourselves so harshly, we assume others do too. Be open and give yourselves the chance of getting to know your date better. So, stop judging yourself!

Forget the Games and Be Vulnerable

Have you ever seen a season of The Bachelor where men have not asked women to be vulnerable? It’s difficult for shy or anxious people to open up at first. We learned that showing emotion is a sign of weakness while, in fact, it’s a mark of strength. By being vulnerable, you’re showing that you can survive anything and still be true to yourself. Don’t worry about the rules of dating and what society expects of you. Men aren’t looking for perfect; they’re looking for authenticity.

Remember It’s a Date, Not an Arranged Marriage

You don’t have to imagine getting married to every man you meet. The great thing about dating is that there are no serious attachments, thus, focus on enjoying the date. It is a process to find out how compatible you are, so the more you disclose and learn, the more successful you’ll be. And if it doesn’t work or you don’t feel comfortable, move on. It’s not a failed attempt; you just found a person who doesn’t fit into your dream.

If you find yourself struggling with the above strategies, reach out to a professional to assist with your dating fears. You don’t have to remain that single person who is always surrounded by friends in relationships

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How to Avoid Your 3 Biggest Dating Fears

Does the idea of putting yourself out there again make you feel anxious? If you feel this way, you’re not alone. Getting back into dating can be challenging for anyone, especially when you’ve been trying to find the one for so long, have lost someone recently, went through a divorce, or have only had bad experiences.

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Avoid these Dating Traps

When we embark on a journey to find that special someone, sometimes we can’t help but fall into all sorts of dating traps. Both women and men alike can fall into bad dating habits, mostly without realizing it. And the more desperate we become, the less likely it is to avoid them.

Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of partners that only leave you hurt and disappointed at the end? There are ways to identify common patterns in the way we approach dating and by becoming self-aware and conscious of the traps we regularly fall for.

Of course, there are many dating traps you should avoid, but here are three of the common ones mature women seem to fall into.

Trap #1: Doing the Walking Billboard

Your past may have left you with the idea that you need to be more attractive. So you do everything to create the illusion of being younger, skinnier, funnier, smarter, or any other adjective you think men look for. You’re selling yourself as a different person because you believe no man would want to date you for who you really are. Believe me when I say you can’t market yourself for such a long time. Your true self will come out eventually and it will only lead to disappointment and anger at the end.

Trap #2: The Gold Giftwrap

Now for the opposite of the marketing trap. Instead of selling yourself as an attractive “package”, you focus on others’ wrapping. You know you’re basing a potential relationship on a date on external things when you worry more about the overall looks, his education, what career he has and whether he has the money. Sure, we all have drooled over Magic Mike and the gang’s smooth moves, but those six packs won’t keep you warm at night. If you focus only on the superficial and others’ wealth, you might miss who the person is on the inside. What if you don’t like what you find?

Trap #3: Supply and Demand

As time goes on, you fear that there are fewer good men left for you. Thus, your mind tricks you into thinking that you either have to remain single or take what you can get. This is probably one of the most dangerous dating traps; you lower your standards out of fear of scarcity, so you settle for less and end up in a worse situation. You are worth so much more. Don’t go for just any man. Keep looking and keep hoping.

Attracting a healthy and happy relationship should never involve drama and disappointments. You deserve the partner of your dreams, but you need to change your mindset and have a clear map that will help you miss the dating traps on your path of finding love. If you would like support on how to do this, let’s hop on a call.

Big luv,

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How to Declutter Relationships in Your Life

When Kitti reached out to me about contributing to her blog, I thought, “What do I have to contribute to a professional organizer’s blog?” And then the following came to me.

Since February is the month of Valentine’s Day, many people’s thoughts drift to thinking about love and relationships more than usual. That makes it a perfect time to look at how to declutter relationships and create more space in your life for ease and joy in love.

So often we get used to what is familiar and accept not just a lack of joy, but much worse, behavior and relationships that destroy and rob us of joy in the rest of our lives, because of how they make us feel about ourselves.

The hardest part of decluttering isn’t about our physical space. Purging and organizing our closets is easy compared to decluttering our relationships and dating. Relationships are messy. Life is messy; emotions can feel super messy. But there are things you can do to bring more order.

In order to declutter relationships, we first have to identify where the clutter is. Let’s look at the definition of clutter.

According to Merriam-Webster, to clutter is to fill or cover with scattered or disordered things that impede movement or reduce effectiveness.

When you think about this with respect to relationships, what relationships are scattered enough to impede movement in your life or reduce effectiveness?

Here are a few things to consider when you look for clutter.

1. Old hurts
With whom do you have anger or resentment? Which relationships do you need to tidy up? Was there a misunderstanding? Were words spoken in anger? Maybe you need to set a boundary or ask for something from them. Are apologies needed?

2. Clean up your expectations
Stop nagging and complaining. Find a better way to deal with what you want to be different. Do you need to ask for what you need/want from your partner? Are you clear about what you need?

If you are feeling disappointed with your partner more often than you should, it is because your expectations are not being met. When you expect your partner to behave differently than the way they always have, you are setting yourself up to feel let down and your partner to feel resentful.

3. Create a sanctuary
What does your bedroom look like, literally the physical space?

Make your bedroom your sanctuary. Look around and get rid of anything that isn’t beautiful or useful to you. Replace old candles, get new massage oils, maybe even new bedding. Are there piles of old books or clothes?

If you have a partner/spouse be sure to include them in this process. If you’re single, remove evidence of past loves.

4. Toss old baggage
Is your emotional baggage cluttering up your relationships? Did someone cheat on you or lie to you? Is there abuse in your past? Do you date the same type of person over and over again?

Hire a coach or work with a counselor—whatever you need to do to “let it go.” It will free you up for more joy, guaranteed! A brilliant friend once said, “We all have baggage. But will yours fit in an overhead compartment and can you identify it on a luggage carousel?”

Do you need to delete and let go of memories of past relationships? Have you created a “maybe pile” of old relationships just in case? Unless you truly intend to try again, delete their number and get closure within yourself. Cut contact if needed. Open the space for someone new in your life.

5. Stop investing in relationships that don’t move you forward
Which relationships do you need to eliminate from your life? Who, or what, are you tolerating? Maybe they drain your energy or you feel used. Maybe you have outgrown them. (It happens.) It’s okay to limit your time with them or just let it go. You’ll never need them once you move forward.

Big Luv,

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