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How to Attract the Love You Want by Creating Desire

Mary is a successful woman. She has a lot going for her. She is an entrepreneur with her own company, has a good education, earns plenty of money, has great friends, and is proud of her independence. She’s worked hard to get to this position. 

Bob is also successful. He’s a partner in a company with a degree in finance and accounting. He met Mary through an introduction by a mutual friend. He took her on a date and they hit it off; both of them could feel the chemistry. Bob was instantly attracted by Mary’s mix of physical beauty and intellect. They shared their passion for business, music and college sports. It was easy to be together. And yet…something about Mary didn’t sit quite right with Bob. 

It was the way she talked about relationships. She often made a point of talking about how she “didn’t need a man for anything.” She was nice to him, but seemed to feel uneasy about letting him go out of his way to help her. She didn’t like holding hands on the street. She felt conflicted about being too vulnerable or “feminine,” or letting him pay for their dates.

Bob loved Mary’s independence and success, but he was starting to feel unappreciated. His efforts to impress or take care of her were often brushed off or seemed to go unnoticed. He knew this woman was amazing, but she didn’t make him feel like an amazing part of her life. He knew Mary respected him, but he never felt like she ADMIRED him. His attraction lessened as he got the feeling that he wasn’t the kind of man Mary needed…maybe Mary didn’t want a man at all. At least that’s what it felt like to Bob. 

So, full disclosure, Bob and Mary are fictitious names, but the story is true. It’s made up of what I hear from both men and women. Mary is the successful woman that wants to show how strong and independent she is and how much she “doesn’t need a man”, and Bob, who was truly attracted to her strength, independence, and passion for her life, just wants to feel needed and appreciated and to be part of her life, ends up feeling neglected and unappreciated.

There is a belief that has been ingrained in many women from the time we were little, that being independent meant things like:

  • never asking a man for help;
  • never allowing a man to do you a favor;
  • never feeling comfortable praising a guy for what he brings to the relationship; and
  • never letting him feel “needed.”

Many of us have misunderstood how being INDEPENDENT in this way makes a man feel unimportant. We are so set on proving we can make it all on our own, that we forget that men need to feel special and appreciated too. 

There’s a different dance here between showing independence and making a man feel good in your presence.

What I now know is a romantic relationship is not about competition or proving your independence, real strength is being vulnerable enough to receive the help and support he wants to give you and making him feel special and appreciated while showing that you’re not needy. You will be the incredible woman in his eyes who makes him feel like even MORE of a man in her presence.     

The Thing About Men

Every man has an ego. Some are bigger than others, but all guys have them. Even those nice guys that are absolute sweethearts. They have egos too. And any great guy with self-esteem, needs to feel important on some level. 

I’m not talking about flattery, or being insincere or inauthentic about how you can’t live without him – I mean REAL appreciation and interest in his best qualities. 

Men need to feel like a winner around you. Period. No matter who they are, a guy is happiest around a woman who makes him feel his best, or who inspires him to become his best. 

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her. 

So, how do you do that?

Here’s how:

1.  Show interest in his goals and ambitions

…and believe in his ability to get what he wants but also be sure to let him know of any big goals of your own.

2.  Give validation when he does something thoughtful.

If he makes an effort, buys you a gift, or plans an incredible day for you, show him hints of your enthusiasm and enjoyment (e.g. tell him, “That’s so thoughtful, I love it!” Or if he tells you he just made a reservation at an amazing restaurant, say “I’m excited!”).

3.  Return a compliment.

If he compliments you, say thank you, wait for a while, and then later give him a compliment in return. The trick with this is to keep the compliment subtle and low-key (e.g. tell him he has kind eyes, or nice dimples) or else it will seem like you’re over-praising him, which removes any challenge.

4.  Allow him to do something helpful for you.

Guys love to perform acts of service for women. If he wants to carry your heavy bags, bring over hot soup and painkillers when you’re sick, or drive you home even though it’s 20 minutes out of his way, allow him to help and give him the chance to come to your rescue.

5.  Give him a chance to shine in front of you.

Give him some little compliments or brag about him in front of others. Keep it small and sincere. This isn’t about inflating his ego, it’s not even about what the other people think, it’s about making him feel special and appreciated by you, showing him that is how you see him.

I need to mention one small caveat. This only works when he is showing interest and investment in you as well. Follow his lead here. Otherwise, you’ll be boosting his ego and teaching him he doesn’t have to make any effort.  

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her.

I invite you to give these tips a try and see what happens. Small changes, even 5%, can significantly change your impact and outcome.

I’d love to hear how it goes!

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How to Raise Your Value in a Man’s Eyes (What Men Really Want!)

I remember going on dates when I was single and thinking, “I hope he likes me.”  Because if he likes me I’ll get a second or even a third date and maybe it will turn into something more….

From talking to many women every week, I know I’m not alone in thinking this. We as women want to be liked! Society tells us from the time we’re little girls how important it is to be nice. 

The problem is, when a man thinks you’re nice he’s probably going to like you, but being nice just means that someone sees you as a nice person. It’s desire that makes you magnetic, exciting, unpredictable and attractive. 

Being liked won’t necessarily get you another date, but being desired probably will.  

Do you know what men really want in a woman? Boundaries!

Yes, it’s true. That quality, healthy-masculine male that we all want, is attracted to you by boundaries. Why? Because it shows self-confidence. It shows that you won’t be pushed around and you know how to prioritize your own needs, and will let him know what they are.

(Contrary to popular opinion, good men want strong women that they don’t have to rescue to take care of all of the time.) Actually men are attracted to women who show that they have a deep sense of self-respect. I think of it as being able to choose your well-being over his just for the sake of getting along or being in a relationship.

The result of this is a better-behaved man and he sees you as a woman to value. We do teach people how to treat us.  

This is also a natural filter to weed out the narcissistic, abusive type of guys. Because, if a guy fails to respect these boundaries, the self-respecting woman doesn’t stick around.

Woman that value themselves are always willing to walk away from situations where they feel unsafe and undervalued.

Let’s turn the tables. Years ago I dated a really nice guy…really nice.  He did pretty much whatever I said, avoided conflict, would not stand up to his children, and didn’t assert his interests. In time I not only lost respect for him, but I noticed that I was starting to be mean to him and lost my attraction to him. I ended it quickly. 

When you start going along with everything just to make him happy, or never speaking up for yourself, it drains you of that attractive energy that made him attractive to you in the first place. Being agreeable does not equal attractiveness.

I’m not suggesting you become a bitch, diva or self-centered, I’m talking about healthy boundaries. In all relationships you still need to respect three important parts of your lives.

  1. Your time
  2. Your emotions
  3. Your needs

If you find that a guy doesn’t respond respectfully or is insensitive or ignores your boundaries then it’s time to speak up or move on.  

Remember…choosing your well-being and respect for yourself is far more important than any need to be in a relationship.  

The most irresistible women have no hesitations communicating their needs. They’re not worried about driving the wrong guys away because they know the right one will respect her boundaries. This doesn’t mean playing it super-serious all the time. It just means standing up for your own needs, and not settling for a situation with a man who falls short of your criteria, be it for commitment, affection, physical attraction, or kindness and generosity. 

This quote really hit home in a powerful way when I read it: 

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” 

For a man, nothing is sexier than being on a date and realizing he’s with a woman who values herself by showing self-respect and confidence. Men want a woman with expectations, which they then desperately want to meet. 

Bottom line: If it’s a choice between being respected or being nice to the point of being a people-pleaser, choose being respected. It’s much more attractive. 

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You Can Be Powerful and Feminine

Women, choose to challenge the way you work. You can be powerful and feminine!

In the 1970s married women began entering the labor force in great numbers. At the same time, women also stepped into a world that had been designed and built to work for men. We were expected to work and succeed in a business world built on masculine paradigms. Our anthem became Helen Reddy’s song, I am Woman. We rose to the challenge, and we proved that we could compete and fight… and win!  

Because of that, most women I know assume that working harder and faster is the way to get greater and greater results. We believe we can keep up with this strategy, year after year, decade after decade, hammering everything in sight with the same tool.

That approach may work, and get results for a while, but it’s not sustainable.

Not if you are a woman. 

So many women I talk to are successful, but they’ve been working until they drop to achieve their goals. Their life looks amazing on the outside, but inside something is SCREAMING for  attention. Exhaustion levels are high, and they are STRUGGLING to keep their energy up.

We all know that we need to do things differently, we’ve been talking about work-life balance for years, but are we really much further? Has much really changed?  Can it really be different if we don’t move out of the outdated way of thinking?  (The truth is, It doesn’t really work anymore for men, either.)

I am this woman.  I entered the workforce in the 80’s when we put on our heels, shoulder pads in our suits and made it our mission to rise to the top and show men we were just as good, if not better than they are. We were brought up on the idea that we could, “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you’re a man.”  

By the time I was in my late 30’s, my adrenals were worn out and I crashed. If you’ve never experienced this, it’s kind of like being a zombie (except for the eating brains thing). You’re flat lined emotionally and your body never quite reacts to stress the same way again. In fact, my body wanted to avoid stress. Because I didn’t have the tools and information that I do today, it took a long time to recover.  I began to look for answers.

What I found was, despite our pursuit of work-life balance, there are three frequently unrecognized mistakes that we women do that keep us exhausted and deplete our energy.  

1. We’re stuck in Man-Mode: Do, do, do …..  

We work too hard and juggle too much and compete with men to show them we’re just as good or better. This approach takes a lot of focus, and focus takes a lot of testosterone. The average man has 20-30% percent more testosterone than women do. We’re just not physically made to work the same way.

Why is this important?  Because of the impact on our health. (remember my story?)  I talked with a woman last week with a similar story except she ended up in the hospital.

Since the 60’s we have seen: 

  • a 60% increase in female cancers
  • 75% of women experiencing adrenal fatigue
  • 1 in 5 feeling depressed 
  • the number of heart attacks in women tripling (every 34 seconds a woman dies of heart disease)

2. We don’t prioritize our desires.

This is the engine behind success! When a woman is out of touch with her dreams and desires, she slowly dies inside because of not doing what she desires.

3. Our mentors are in man-mode also.  

‘Boss babes’, ‘slay all day’ are common phrases and memes we frequently see to motivate women. Yet, even Gloria Steinem, one of the founders of the feminist movement, has said that they put too much expectation on women.  She said, “We set women up to fail telling her she could do it all, all at once.”  The truth…is no one can.  Not even men.  

With all of your responsibilities women take on we have become disconnected from our true power and are finding ourselves doing life and work in a way that drains us much of the time. 

Living our lives in ‘Man-Mode’ is not sustainable for women. It’s time for us to re-balance ourselves and learn to use our natural strengths…as a woman.

Does this sound like you?  This is no fault of yours, it is just how we were taught to do life!

But there is another way, a way that fills you up, let’s you shine and live your purpose in a way that is supported by community.

This “other way” allows you to understand and re-learn how to be in your true power, as a woman, to then be able to fully shine your gifts!

What makes a woman confident is her ability to call upon her feminine wisdom.

So often in our world we tend to think of strength as a quality that arises from a place of firm determination and a will to succeed no matter the cost. Even though we might want to think of a strong woman as being defined in this way, what really makes a woman confident is her capacity for listening to her true self and being able to call upon her feminine wisdom to any situation that may arise. A woman does not need to step into an assertive role or act like a man in order to be effective at what she does–she simply needs to get in touch with her insight and sense of compassion to truly demonstrate the depth of her strength. 

Listening to the feminine side of ourselves may not seem easy at first for this type of energy is something that is often overlooked in many aspects of our everyday lives. If we can connect with this part of who we are, however, we will find that there is an unlimited wellspring of strength available to us.

As we celebrate National Women’s History Month in March, let’s raise a glass and toast to the leaders of our past and present that got us where we are today. Then consider our future, where we are going and how we want to get there.  

The theme for this year is #ChoosetoChallenge. Personally, I love this! 

From challenge comes change, so let’s all choose to challenge the way we’ve been working and living. Our capacity to tap into our intuition and listen to our inner self, to take into account the needs of those around us, and to view a situation with compassion and love are ways that we can show the world the true power that is part of our feminine nature. Not only will we see the world in a different light, but we will truly start to realize the potential for this form of energy to both empower ourselves and those around us.  

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Using Your Heart’s Desire as a GPS to Love

Several years ago I was getting ready for a date with a man I had been seeing for several months. I had done my work and made my list of what I wanted in a partner. As I was going through the list in my head, I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror and said to my reflection, “Would you date yourself?”

Wow, I had never thought of it that way before: did I meet my own expectations? The answer was very hard to swallow when I had to admit my answer was No.

One of my expectations was around health and fitness. I wanted someone that worked out and ate well. I didn’t do that. So I had to ask myself, Did I really want that in a man? Would a man that was into health and fitness be attracted to someone who was a healthy wanna be? 

I decided I needed to take a hard look at what I really wanted.  

What did I really desire? 

Finding Your Heart’s Desire

What is our heart’s desire; what does that even mean?  

Within you, there is an intelligence far more powerful than the mind. There is a part of you that knows what you want, before you realize you want it. You can call this your heart’s desire, your intuition, or your subconscious desire. If you’ve ever faced a big life decision and instinctively knew the choice to make thanks to an overwhelming “gut feeling,” you know the power of this intelligence. You have had an experience and understand the difference between the heart’s desire and the mind’s logical reasoning.

The trouble is these desires are often buried deep under your fears and anxieties. And, when you listen to them, you quiet your mind to feel what it is you most want…to let the images, emotions and fully-formed answers rise to the surface of your  awareness. You will know this by a physical reaction of a feeling of lightness and your lips curling up at the corners. Some call it your internal GPS… I think of it as your ‘joy-meter.’ 

It’s easy to ignore these deeper impulses through fear of the outcome. But when you are aware of your inner purpose and you are committed to aligning it with your outer world, you will begin to look beyond fear and acknowledge those impulses. Listen to them. They know what you want. 

As the new year starts, I ask you to consider where you are in your life. Are there areas that need cleaning up? Would you date yourself?

I encourage you to think about what it is that you most desire and check in with your ‘joy-meter’’ first. For when you know what you want, you can set meaningful goals and live a life filled with your heart’s desires.

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Why is Dating so Hard?

What Biology, Baggage and Energy have to do with making dating hard.

The truth is dating today is hard, and the challenges of a global pandemic haven’t made it any easier to meet someone new. However, there is one thing I know for sure. Finding love is even more important now than it has ever been. As a result of what we have experienced this past year, many women (and men) have realized how much they miss the companionship and love that a relationship gives us.  

Perhaps this is true for you too! AND I want to help. I want to do everything I can to help  you make that happen for you! (I’m talking about love with the kind of man you admire, respect and trust who loves, cherishes and adores you.) Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

So many women I talk to want to know how to meet quality men or what to say or text, what does it mean if he does certain things, like backing away. While that can be a part of it, there’s much more that goes into finding and keeping a loving relationship that most don’t take into account.

Today I’d like to share 3 things with you that aren’t often talked about but have a huge impact on how you date and who you choose to date. (This is the part about following your heart and taking your head with you.)

They are biology, baggage and energy. 

Biology

Learning about how our hormones create chemicals that create attraction and how our reptilian brain wants you to be safe was a game changer for me. There isn’t any consideration for if you’re compatible or not, just to procreate and stay safe.  

This urge, or drive can be very powerful, and hard to manage for some.  In her book, Why We Love, Dr Helen Fisher writes, “romantic love is an urge, a want, a need—a primordial mating drive that can be, at times, more powerful than hunger.”

Her research showed that romantic love releases dopamine in the brain similar to people who use cocaine or opiates. Is it any wonder that when we’re ‘in love’, we show the same symptoms as an addict: tolerance, withdrawal, relapse.

Knowing this helped me to slow down the dating process, especially in the early stages, and see it more for what it was.. a physiological reaction, not love. I learned to manage these emotions and make better decisions. One of the biggest ones for me was oxytocin, the bonding hormone that’s released with kissing and even more with sex. Yes, that’s why it’s so hard to walk away from the guy that’s not right but the sex is great. Your thought process is being greatly influenced by oxytocin.  

And, our next one…

Baggage

A guy I knew once said to me that we all have baggage. He believed that you should be able to identify your own on a baggage carousel and fit it in an overhead compartment. I always thought that was a brilliant analogy for emotional baggage—from things that happened to us in childhood that contributed to picking the wrong guy, or the unavailable one, over and over that just added evidence that you weren’t good enough or all men are jerks.

If you have a pattern with the wrong guys, find someone that can help you to ‘identify and unpack’ your baggage. When you can own it, you can change it, and change your future. I’ve seen the truth of this many times in my coaching practice: when women see their patterns, they can learn to choose differently and create lasting love.

And, if you have baggage it may be affecting your energy. Which leads me to our next part…

Energy

What does your presence, your energy say?

Our energetic presence sends a message to men that they pick up on,  maybe not consciously, but they do sense it. 

 What message are you sending?

  1. Go ahead…take advantage of me, I have no boundaries.
  2. Danger!  I’m prickly.
  3. I’m shut down and closed up.
  4. I’m a better man than you are.
  5. I’m open and receptive.

So the next time you’re frustrated with the guy you’re seeing or if you’re not meeting the men you want to, consider the three areas above and take stock of yourself. It can make all the difference in the world when it comes to finding a fun and easy relationship.  

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How I Survived the Holidays Being Single

As I sit down to write this newsletter, I know that there are those of you who are going through a divorce, have lost a loved one, or have ended a long relationship and are spending their first Christmas without that partner.

Although being single during the holidays can be difficult or lonely, I don’t know if it’s ever as hard as the first one. I decided to share with you my experience of my first Christmas alone and how I got through it.

Seventeen years ago I came home from a trip for coaches training that I had attended and my husband told me he couldn’t do it anymore and wanted a divorce.

It was two weeks before Thanksgiving.

Although I knew this is where we were headed, and I knew it needed to happen, I was unprepared for him to say those words. 

I was able to go to his family’s Thanksgiving gathering and have a normal holiday. However, a month later, for Christmas, I was not in the same place. The reality of my future had become all too real. I had been invited to his family’s Christmas gathering, but I knew I couldn’t go there without it being uncomfortable for everyone…..so I decided to stay home. Since my children and my soon-to-be ex-husband would be spending the night at his sister’s, I would be spending Christmas Eve……alone.  

The following is what I came up with that got me through that first Christmas Eve.

Decide.

I knew that I had a choice. I could either be depressed, thinking about everything that I was missing, everything I was losing, everything that was changing, or I could make the best of the situation. I chose to make the best of the situation. I decided to create a meaningful time for me and my children.

Accept.

Accept help and love from friends and family. I was fortunate enough to have a strong support circle. My family lived some distance away so that wasn’t really an option.  One of my friends was kind enough to invite me into her home on Christmas Eve. I could have declined and said I didn’t want to intrude, but I choose to accept their offer. They shared their home and dinner with me that night. That generous spirit is something that I will be forever grateful for.  It was a true Christmas gift.

Connect.

Connect with something outside of yourself. Christmas morning when I woke up, I knew that I again had a choice of how I wanted that day to be. We lived on a farm and we had four dogs, multiple barn cats outside and my three beloved horses. I decided to get up and get dressed to go outside to take care of my “loved ones.” I took my time in feeding all of my animal family and spent time with them. I thought they enjoyed the time. Then I went back in the house and showered and got ready for the day, continuing to focus my thoughts on what I wanted to create the rest of the day. That led to……

Take care of yourself.

You may not feel like it, but get cleaned up. Get dressed up; you will feel better. You may not feel great but you will feel better. Don’t use it as an excuse to overindulge in sugary treats or alcohol. They may make you feel better temporarily, but not long-term. Be loving to yourself. What would you do for a friend in the same situation? Do that for yourself.

Put your hurt away for the day.

As I said, even though I knew it was time for the relationship to end, and I knew it was the right thing, there were still some hard feelings and I was incredibly sad.  And, I didn’t have to let those feelings in today. Having negative feelings about my soon-to-be ex was really only going to ruin my day, not his. And, in my situation, the reality was we were going to be spending the day in the same house. So I decided to make the best of it. How I did that was to focus on our children; after all, this was their Christmas too. It really came back to deciding; deciding what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of Christmas I wanted to have, and what kind of Christmas I wanted my children to have. I couldn’t control his experience or actions, but I could control mine.

Happily the day turned out pretty well. I honestly don’t have vivid memories of it. The good news is I don’t have regrets or bad memories of that day.

I know this change in your life—whether it’s a divorce or the end of a lengthy relationship—is hard and can seem scary because we don’t know what lies in the future. What lies in the future is possibilities; it’s up to you to create them.

Today, 17 years later, I am so blessed to be in a fabulous relationship with an amazing man for the last 12 years. As we get ready for our blended family to be together for Christmas, I still practice some of these same things that I learned 17 years ago. The most important lesson that I was graced with that day was the ability to choose and create your experience from love.

Remember to focus on what is good in your life and fill your heart with love. Darkness cannot exist where there is light. I promise you it won’t always be like this……life will go on. If you allow it, you will meet someone new, and you will love again.  

I hope sharing this story will help you to bring more joy to your holidays and some light to your heart. I wish you a very Merry Christmas and much joy and love in your life.

From my heart to yours…..

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