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Using Your Heart’s Desire as a GPS to Love

Several years ago I was getting ready for a date with a man I had been seeing for several months. I had done my work and made my list of what I wanted in a partner. As I was going through the list in my head, I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror and said to my reflection, “Would you date yourself?”

Wow, I had never thought of it that way before: did I meet my own expectations? The answer was very hard to swallow when I had to admit my answer was No.

One of my expectations was around health and fitness. I wanted someone that worked out and ate well. I didn’t do that. So I had to ask myself, Did I really want that in a man? Would a man that was into health and fitness be attracted to someone who was a healthy wanna be? 

I decided I needed to take a hard look at what I really wanted.  

What did I really desire? 

Finding Your Heart’s Desire

What is our heart’s desire; what does that even mean?  

Within you, there is an intelligence far more powerful than the mind. There is a part of you that knows what you want, before you realize you want it. You can call this your heart’s desire, your intuition, or your subconscious desire. If you’ve ever faced a big life decision and instinctively knew the choice to make thanks to an overwhelming “gut feeling,” you know the power of this intelligence. You have had an experience and understand the difference between the heart’s desire and the mind’s logical reasoning.

The trouble is these desires are often buried deep under your fears and anxieties. And, when you listen to them, you quiet your mind to feel what it is you most want…to let the images, emotions and fully-formed answers rise to the surface of your  awareness. You will know this by a physical reaction of a feeling of lightness and your lips curling up at the corners. Some call it your internal GPS… I think of it as your ‘joy-meter.’ 

It’s easy to ignore these deeper impulses through fear of the outcome. But when you are aware of your inner purpose and you are committed to aligning it with your outer world, you will begin to look beyond fear and acknowledge those impulses. Listen to them. They know what you want. 

As the new year starts, I ask you to consider where you are in your life. Are there areas that need cleaning up? Would you date yourself?

I encourage you to think about what it is that you most desire and check in with your ‘joy-meter’’ first. For when you know what you want, you can set meaningful goals and live a life filled with your heart’s desires.

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Why is Dating so Hard?

What Biology, Baggage and Energy have to do with making dating hard.

The truth is dating today is hard, and the challenges of a global pandemic haven’t made it any easier to meet someone new. However, there is one thing I know for sure. Finding love is even more important now than it has ever been. As a result of what we have experienced this past year, many women (and men) have realized how much they miss the companionship and love that a relationship gives us.  

Perhaps this is true for you too! AND I want to help. I want to do everything I can to help  you make that happen for you! (I’m talking about love with the kind of man you admire, respect and trust who loves, cherishes and adores you.) Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

So many women I talk to want to know how to meet quality men or what to say or text, what does it mean if he does certain things, like backing away. While that can be a part of it, there’s much more that goes into finding and keeping a loving relationship that most don’t take into account.

Today I’d like to share 3 things with you that aren’t often talked about but have a huge impact on how you date and who you choose to date. (This is the part about following your heart and taking your head with you.)

They are biology, baggage and energy. 

Biology

Learning about how our hormones create chemicals that create attraction and how our reptilian brain wants you to be safe was a game changer for me. There isn’t any consideration for if you’re compatible or not, just to procreate and stay safe.  

This urge, or drive can be very powerful, and hard to manage for some.  In her book, Why We Love, Dr Helen Fisher writes, “romantic love is an urge, a want, a need—a primordial mating drive that can be, at times, more powerful than hunger.”

Her research showed that romantic love releases dopamine in the brain similar to people who use cocaine or opiates. Is it any wonder that when we’re ‘in love’, we show the same symptoms as an addict: tolerance, withdrawal, relapse.

Knowing this helped me to slow down the dating process, especially in the early stages, and see it more for what it was.. a physiological reaction, not love. I learned to manage these emotions and make better decisions. One of the biggest ones for me was oxytocin, the bonding hormone that’s released with kissing and even more with sex. Yes, that’s why it’s so hard to walk away from the guy that’s not right but the sex is great. Your thought process is being greatly influenced by oxytocin.  

And, our next one…

Baggage

A guy I knew once said to me that we all have baggage. He believed that you should be able to identify your own on a baggage carousel and fit it in an overhead compartment. I always thought that was a brilliant analogy for emotional baggage—from things that happened to us in childhood that contributed to picking the wrong guy, or the unavailable one, over and over that just added evidence that you weren’t good enough or all men are jerks.

If you have a pattern with the wrong guys, find someone that can help you to ‘identify and unpack’ your baggage. When you can own it, you can change it, and change your future. I’ve seen the truth of this many times in my coaching practice: when women see their patterns, they can learn to choose differently and create lasting love.

And, if you have baggage it may be affecting your energy. Which leads me to our next part…

Energy

What does your presence, your energy say?

Our energetic presence sends a message to men that they pick up on,  maybe not consciously, but they do sense it. 

 What message are you sending?

  1. Go ahead…take advantage of me, I have no boundaries.
  2. Danger!  I’m prickly.
  3. I’m shut down and closed up.
  4. I’m a better man than you are.
  5. I’m open and receptive.

So the next time you’re frustrated with the guy you’re seeing or if you’re not meeting the men you want to, consider the three areas above and take stock of yourself. It can make all the difference in the world when it comes to finding a fun and easy relationship.  

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How I Survived the Holidays Being Single

As I sit down to write this newsletter, I know that there are those of you who are going through a divorce, have lost a loved one, or have ended a long relationship and are spending their first Christmas without that partner.

Although being single during the holidays can be difficult or lonely, I don’t know if it’s ever as hard as the first one. I decided to share with you my experience of my first Christmas alone and how I got through it.

Seventeen years ago I came home from a trip for coaches training that I had attended and my husband told me he couldn’t do it anymore and wanted a divorce.

It was two weeks before Thanksgiving.

Although I knew this is where we were headed, and I knew it needed to happen, I was unprepared for him to say those words. 

I was able to go to his family’s Thanksgiving gathering and have a normal holiday. However, a month later, for Christmas, I was not in the same place. The reality of my future had become all too real. I had been invited to his family’s Christmas gathering, but I knew I couldn’t go there without it being uncomfortable for everyone…..so I decided to stay home. Since my children and my soon-to-be ex-husband would be spending the night at his sister’s, I would be spending Christmas Eve……alone.  

The following is what I came up with that got me through that first Christmas Eve.

Decide.

I knew that I had a choice. I could either be depressed, thinking about everything that I was missing, everything I was losing, everything that was changing, or I could make the best of the situation. I chose to make the best of the situation. I decided to create a meaningful time for me and my children.

Accept.

Accept help and love from friends and family. I was fortunate enough to have a strong support circle. My family lived some distance away so that wasn’t really an option.  One of my friends was kind enough to invite me into her home on Christmas Eve. I could have declined and said I didn’t want to intrude, but I choose to accept their offer. They shared their home and dinner with me that night. That generous spirit is something that I will be forever grateful for.  It was a true Christmas gift.

Connect.

Connect with something outside of yourself. Christmas morning when I woke up, I knew that I again had a choice of how I wanted that day to be. We lived on a farm and we had four dogs, multiple barn cats outside and my three beloved horses. I decided to get up and get dressed to go outside to take care of my “loved ones.” I took my time in feeding all of my animal family and spent time with them. I thought they enjoyed the time. Then I went back in the house and showered and got ready for the day, continuing to focus my thoughts on what I wanted to create the rest of the day. That led to……

Take care of yourself.

You may not feel like it, but get cleaned up. Get dressed up; you will feel better. You may not feel great but you will feel better. Don’t use it as an excuse to overindulge in sugary treats or alcohol. They may make you feel better temporarily, but not long-term. Be loving to yourself. What would you do for a friend in the same situation? Do that for yourself.

Put your hurt away for the day.

As I said, even though I knew it was time for the relationship to end, and I knew it was the right thing, there were still some hard feelings and I was incredibly sad.  And, I didn’t have to let those feelings in today. Having negative feelings about my soon-to-be ex was really only going to ruin my day, not his. And, in my situation, the reality was we were going to be spending the day in the same house. So I decided to make the best of it. How I did that was to focus on our children; after all, this was their Christmas too. It really came back to deciding; deciding what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of Christmas I wanted to have, and what kind of Christmas I wanted my children to have. I couldn’t control his experience or actions, but I could control mine.

Happily the day turned out pretty well. I honestly don’t have vivid memories of it. The good news is I don’t have regrets or bad memories of that day.

I know this change in your life—whether it’s a divorce or the end of a lengthy relationship—is hard and can seem scary because we don’t know what lies in the future. What lies in the future is possibilities; it’s up to you to create them.

Today, 17 years later, I am so blessed to be in a fabulous relationship with an amazing man for the last 12 years. As we get ready for our blended family to be together for Christmas, I still practice some of these same things that I learned 17 years ago. The most important lesson that I was graced with that day was the ability to choose and create your experience from love.

Remember to focus on what is good in your life and fill your heart with love. Darkness cannot exist where there is light. I promise you it won’t always be like this……life will go on. If you allow it, you will meet someone new, and you will love again.  

I hope sharing this story will help you to bring more joy to your holidays and some light to your heart. I wish you a very Merry Christmas and much joy and love in your life.

From my heart to yours…..

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How to Keep Your Heart Safe in Love and Dating

When it comes to dating and relationships there are no guarantees…there just aren’t, and there’s no way around it. But, you can minimize your risk of getting hurt. 

If you think about it, when we are in a loving relationship it also gives us the feeling of safety and security. One of the biggest indicators of a relationship’s future success is set up in the early days of dating. The following are four keys that you can use to keep your heart S.A.F.E when it comes to love.

1. Slow

First, slow down for yourself. If you keep repeating the same scenario and attracting the same type of guy, then take time to figure out why.  Figure out who you are and what you want. Is there unresolved baggage that keeps getting in your way to having love? Get some support from a coach or therapist if needed to make the necessary changes.

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in dating is going too fast. You meet someone and get swept up in the connection and excitement. You quickly go on long dates, have sex, meet each others’ kids, move in together, all of which creates a false sense of intimacy. I think of it like jumping on a horse you don’t really know anything about and taking off at a gallop. If (usually when) you fall off, it hurts.  If the man you have just met is the one,  he will still be the one in 6 months. And, if it turns out he’s not the one, you’ll find out faster, and minimize the hurt to probably just disappointment. 

Slowing down allows you to make sure you have similar outlooks on life. Do you want a similar future? How about parenting styles? Not having similar life goals and parenting styles are two of  the biggest reasons for divorce (especially in 2nd or 3rd marriages.) Take your time to find out. Slow down to go faster.

2. Accepted

We all want to be loved for who we are. Check in with yourself. Do you feel accepted for who you are; can you be yourself around him? Or, do you show up as someone you think you need to be? And, equally  important, can you accept him as he is? Do you complain about him, or feel disappointed or frustrated with him?  Those are all good indicators that you want him to change. There’s a small chance he might change, but ask yourself…if he never changed, could I happily live with him the way he is? Again, acceptance: love is acceptance. It’s one thing to support someone’s journey when they ask for support, but it’s not loving to be attached to someone’s potential. Knowing your deal-breakers and sticking to them is essential for dating success.

3. Friends

An important part of a happy relationship is enjoying being together, so when you think about him, do you genuinely like him enough that he would be your friend if you weren’t dating? Do your friends like him? (Friends and family see things that we don’t through our love-colored glasses.) 

4. Empowered

Do you feel empowered to go after your goals and dreams? Do you feel supported to live your best life, to make your own choices? Or are you shamed, influenced, threatened when it comes to making decisions for yourself? A good relationship should bring out the best in you and them.  

If you’re into excitement and uncertainty, then this list isn’t for you. But, if you’re tired of heartache, then take time to figure out who you are and what you want, and then take your time to see who he is and if he can be part of the relationship you desire.  

It’s up to you to create your own dating experience and keep yourself SAFE.   

I encourage you to remember this acronym as a foundation to check-in with yourself as you’re meeting new men and developing potential relationships. Are you keeping your heart SAFE? 

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3 Common Mistakes that Stop Women from Connecting with Good Men

The most frequent question that I get from women by far is, “How do I meet a quality man?” And, if you’ve been around me long, you know I always answer, “They’re everywhere.”

Sometimes the problem isn’t them, it’s us.

Sorry, but it’s true. In today’s post, I’ll share with you the 3 most common mistakes I see women make that keep them from connecting with good men.

1. You show up as someone you’re not.

This happens when you haven’t quite gotten yet that the ONLY way you will meet your soulmate is to be 100% yourself. (It took me years to get this so no shame if this is you.) Instead, we show up as someone we think we need to be accepted, loved, and seen as good enough.

2. You show up defensive.

I get it, we’ve all been hurt before and that can leave a lady a bit jaded and wary of men. Trust is earned. But the man in front of you didn’t cause you pain.When you show up as defensive, he can’t connect with your heart; he won’t see your glorious light that makes you unique. The quality man is looking for a woman that he feels good around and that he can make happy. He can’t do that if he has to defend himself.

3. You show up in man-mode.

I was a pro at this one. I wanted to show him that I was a better “man” than he was. I was very competitive… I thought it would impress him. I was wrong.When a man is going on a date and looking for a relationship, he wants to meet a woman, not someone that he has to compete with.  (Which might be why you end up in the friend zone.) That doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be something less; if you’re a fabulous golfer by all means play your best. This is more about not trying to out ‘man’ him. You can be powerful and also still be feminine.

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Be sure to catch my Facebook Live video on the same topic by first joining the group Relate Date and Mate. And bonus! There are more videos and tips in the group than just this one.

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How to Avoid the 3-Month Heartbreak Hump

In the last few weeks here and on my Facebook lives, we have covered where to meet men, how to not let the time you spend on dating sites consume your life, and how to move things from a wink to a date.

I’m guessing each of you that watched the Facebook lives identified with one of the stages. One of the last stages of things-gone-wrong that clients come to me for tends to show up after about 3-4 months of seeing someone.

You met, things seem to be going great, and then it ends. For some, this becomes a pattern, and that’s why I called this getting over the 3-4 month heartbreak hump.

I want to give you some pointers of things you can do to keep this from happening.

First of all, it just takes time to get to know someone…like 3-4 months.

Let’s say you love playing golf, but you’re a casual golfer, he’s a serious golfer…very serious. He takes the game so seriously and gets so upset if he doesn’t do well that it’s so uncomfortable and obnoxious that you wouldn’t want to play with him. You need to verify the information and gain experience and knowledge that your requirements are going to be met before getting involved.

When you’re seeing someone exclusively, you want to pay attention to what he does, not what he says. You want to experience your requirements being met and that this is the person you can build a loving partnership with. You want to determine if the information you have been given so far is real, or not. If his words and actions align, this will go a long way in establishing trust between you.

Where We Get in Trouble

This is where we tend to get in trouble There are 2 possibilities that may be going on. I call them screening-in and screening-out.

Let’s look at screening-in first. So, I’ll admit this was my pattern. I made excuses for their behavior: they’re just busy, they’re having an off day. I gave them too many second chances and the benefit of the doubt. I learned that this pattern was tied to a scarcity mindset. My limiting beliefs told me that I needed to stay because he was probably as good as it gets or, worse, as good as I was going to get. (This is why I got married to the man I did.) I searched for ways the relationship could work and ignored what really didn’t work.

Now let’s look at the other pattern… screening-out.

Screening-out is when you look for everything that is wrong with them… with a microscope. Any little thing they do is a red flag in your mind. Being this hyper-vigilant is normally a protective response. You’re afraid of being rejected or hurt, so you reject them first. The hard part is, in your mind, it can seem reasonable and logical. I work with women to get really clear on their requirements and boundaries so they can know that fear isn’t making their choices for them.

Yes, it can sound like an audition or an interview, but it’s really just being honest with yourself.

How to Avoid Heartbreak Hump

I encourage you to learn to use your experiences of what he does to make sure you’re not trying too hard to make something work or saying no too quickly because you’re afraid of getting hurt. This normally only takes a few dates.

I promise you, when you take the time to use these tools as you move through the phases of dating, you will greatly increase your chances of finding a good fit for a lasting partnership.

You can catch these tips and more from my
Facebook Live (broadcast on October 1st) HERE.

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