The most frequent question that I get from women by far is, “How do I meet a quality man?” And, if you’ve been around me long, you know I always answer, “They’re everywhere.”

Sometimes the problem isn’t them, it’s us.

Sorry, but it’s true. In today’s post, I’ll share with you the 3 most common mistakes I see women make that keep them from connecting with good men.

1. You show up as someone you’re not.

This happens when you haven’t quite gotten yet that the ONLY way you will meet your soulmate is to be 100% yourself. (It took me years to get this so no shame if this is you.) Instead, we show up as someone we think we need to be accepted, loved, and seen as good enough.

2. You show up defensive.

I get it, we’ve all been hurt before and that can leave a lady a bit jaded and wary of men. Trust is earned. But the man in front of you didn’t cause you pain.When you show up as defensive, he can’t connect with your heart; he won’t see your glorious light that makes you unique. The quality man is looking for a woman that he feels good around and that he can make happy. He can’t do that if he has to defend himself.

3. You show up in man-mode.

I was a pro at this one. I wanted to show him that I was a better “man” than he was. I was very competitive… I thought it would impress him. I was wrong.When a man is going on a date and looking for a relationship, he wants to meet a woman, not someone that he has to compete with.  (Which might be why you end up in the friend zone.) That doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be something less; if you’re a fabulous golfer by all means play your best. This is more about not trying to out ‘man’ him. You can be powerful and also still be feminine.

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Be sure to catch my Facebook Live video on the same topic by first joining the group Relate Date and Mate. And bonus! There are more videos and tips in the group than just this one.

In the last few weeks here and on my Facebook lives, we have covered where to meet men, how to not let the time you spend on dating sites consume your life, and how to move things from a wink to a date.

I’m guessing each of you that watched the Facebook lives identified with one of the stages. One of the last stages of things-gone-wrong that clients come to me for tends to show up after about 3-4 months of seeing someone.

You met, things seem to be going great, and then it ends. For some, this becomes a pattern, and that’s why I called this getting over the 3-4 month heartbreak hump.

I want to give you some pointers of things you can do to keep this from happening.

First of all, it just takes time to get to know someone…like 3-4 months.

Let’s say you love playing golf, but you’re a casual golfer, he’s a serious golfer…very serious. He takes the game so seriously and gets so upset if he doesn’t do well that it’s so uncomfortable and obnoxious that you wouldn’t want to play with him. You need to verify the information and gain experience and knowledge that your requirements are going to be met before getting involved.

When you’re seeing someone exclusively, you want to pay attention to what he does, not what he says. You want to experience your requirements being met and that this is the person you can build a loving partnership with. You want to determine if the information you have been given so far is real, or not. If his words and actions align, this will go a long way in establishing trust between you.

Where We Get in Trouble

This is where we tend to get in trouble There are 2 possibilities that may be going on. I call them screening-in and screening-out.

Let’s look at screening-in first. So, I’ll admit this was my pattern. I made excuses for their behavior: they’re just busy, they’re having an off day. I gave them too many second chances and the benefit of the doubt. I learned that this pattern was tied to a scarcity mindset. My limiting beliefs told me that I needed to stay because he was probably as good as it gets or, worse, as good as I was going to get. (This is why I got married to the man I did.) I searched for ways the relationship could work and ignored what really didn’t work.

Now let’s look at the other pattern… screening-out.

Screening-out is when you look for everything that is wrong with them… with a microscope. Any little thing they do is a red flag in your mind. Being this hyper-vigilant is normally a protective response. You’re afraid of being rejected or hurt, so you reject them first. The hard part is, in your mind, it can seem reasonable and logical. I work with women to get really clear on their requirements and boundaries so they can know that fear isn’t making their choices for them.

Yes, it can sound like an audition or an interview, but it’s really just being honest with yourself.

How to Avoid Heartbreak Hump

I encourage you to learn to use your experiences of what he does to make sure you’re not trying too hard to make something work or saying no too quickly because you’re afraid of getting hurt. This normally only takes a few dates.

I promise you, when you take the time to use these tools as you move through the phases of dating, you will greatly increase your chances of finding a good fit for a lasting partnership.

You can catch these tips and more from my
Facebook Live (broadcast on October 1st) HERE.

Do you ever start to feel anxiety when you’re on an online dating site? Do you wonder, “Do I start the conversation or wait? What do I say when he responds? What if he starts to talk about sex?”

I want to share 3 simple steps with you so you can confidently navigate conversations online and either move things towards meeting or move on. (Because no matter how fun online chatting is, nothing is real until you meet.)

1. Always start with mindset.

You will get what you focus on. Monique, a former client of mine, came to me because she could not meet a nice guy. Now Monique is what you would call a high-quality woman but she did not attract high-quality men.

One day on a coaching call, after identifying her blocks, she was back on dating sites. Monique said to me, “I don’t know where all of these great guys came from, but I never noticed them before.” Your brain will only see what you expect to see.

2. Send a playful wink.

Now that you’ve gotten their attention with your fabulous profile, there’s nothing wrong with a playful wink on someone’s profile that catches your interest. At the most a question about something interesting that caught your eye. Past that, let them lead the engagement.

In this step, there is 1 main thing to achieve…narrow the field. You could think of this as screening applicants.

Take this time to find out if someone meets your requirements. (Because, if just one doesn’t fit, the relationship won’t work.) See how they respond to requests and boundaries. There are a lot of nice guys online, but many are bad daters. They’re using the same skills they used in college. Unless they go too far, give them a little grace the first time and ask for something different. If someone is sexualizing things a lot, tell him that you’re not comfortable with that kind of conversation, yet. Then see how he responds. Many times he will say, “Oh, okay.” If he doesn’t respect the request, you have your answer and can politely and quickly move on.

Ask questions relevant to what’s in their profiles or in their messages. Believe what they say.

3. Be honest, friendly and engaging in any and all communication. Keep messages light and a bit on the surface. Practice kindness with boundaries. Most of them are as nervous and unsure as you are.

When the communication starts to flow, in order to not get stuck in a perpetual texting loop, think in 2’s:

• 2 messages,
• 2 texts
• 2 phone calls

The idea is to meet in person to see if there’s potential to take it further. It will also tell you something about them if they continue to make excuses and resist meeting. A simple, “Hey, what do you think about meeting Saturday morning for coffee?” will work. Remember, it’s paying attention to how they respond, and how that response makes you feel. (Hint: It should feel good.)

What to say? Well, there’s no way to give you exact words for every situation. Really, just be yourself; have a conversation as if you were at a party. Keep the conversation light, nothing too deep or too personal initially. Stay away from sexual innuendos, but a little banter or flirting is good. This is an opportunity to practice being yourself and practice boundaries. Your guy is looking for you and will like YOU just as you are!

Then meet in person or virtually. It’s not real until you meet.

For the next week, I encourage you to engage men in conversation for practice. You don’t have to meet them, but it will help you to relax and engage with men you are interested in meeting. I’d love to hear how it goes. Email me and let me know.

Bonus Tip!

Men usually DO NOT get as much out of online conversations as we do. They may get excited about meeting you and make comments, but don’t expect that they have gotten the same warm fuzzy feeling that you may have.

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You can catch these tips and more from my Facebook Live (broadcast on September 23),

Does the thought of online dating make you cringe and roll your eyes? You’re not alone. Something I consistently hear from women is their frustration with online dating. It takes too much time, there aren’t any good men online, no one pursues me….

Does any of this sound familiar?

Yet, during this time of COVID, one of the things that has happened is all of this isolation and social distancing has really brought out our need for connection and has more people thinking about dating again.

Believe it or not, this is a great time to be dating. You just have to be willing to be a bit creative. The good news is, if a man is seriously looking for a relationship, he’s online.

That brings us back to the first sentence…online dating.

I’d like to support you with making your time on line more efficient and with better results, meaning you’ll meet more interesting men.

Below are 3 mistakes that I see women making that make online dating time-consuming with little to no results.

1. Your presence online is not consistent. What this tells him is this isn’t a priority in your life. You’re already saying “I don’t have time for this.” If you say you’re too busy, then how will you have time to date or for a relationship?
2. You’re not clear about what you want so you spend too much time interacting with the wrong men or wondering if you should talk to this one or that one…
3. You don’t really believe there are good men online, or at least not for you. You’re more focused on seeing what’s wrong with them and not getting hurt than being open to meeting someone.

If you’re ready to make being in a relationship more of a priority, here are 5 ways you can turn those mistakes around.

1. Create a schedule and a routine for being online. Get on every day for 15-30 minutes.
2. Look at who has contacted you and quickly sort through who you want to respond to. (Stay focused on what you want, and trust that what you don’t want will also be evident to you.) Sorting is the process of quickly determining if you have enough in common to pursue getting to know someone. Sorting should be quick and is often determined by the information in the dating software (i.e., maybe he has younger children and yours are grown).
3. Send short replies to those who contacted you to further a conversation.
4. Look for 2-3 new men to wink at or say hello to.
5. You’re done! Log off and move on with your day.

So there you have it. Online dating doesn’t have to be hard and a time suck.  

I invite you to give the above ideas a try and see if your results change. I’d love to hear from you what happens.

I often get asked by women, “Where do I meet a quality man?”

While the short answer is “they’re everywhere,” I wanted to break it down to give you something a little more specific to work with. While I do believe one never knows where you’ll meet someone, the four levels below show you how you can increase your chances of not just meeting someone, but increase your chances of them being compatible with you.

 I do understand that the current situation with social distancing has greatly changed our lives. However, some things are starting to happen again and places are opening up. We all have to make our own choices to feel safe. Use the information below as it works for you.

Level One:

Remember that public places such as the supermarket, post office, art and wine festivals, etc., with a great diversity of people offer opportunities because you go there often. Although, it’s true these don’t have a high likelihood of meeting your soul mate, don’t rule them out.

Level Two:

While your odds increase with generic singles settings such as singles bars, singles clubs and events, dating sites, etc., because you can meet more singles, finding qualified potential partners can be quite challenging, as many frustrated singles will attest. My suggestion is to manage your expectations and just have fun while being open to meeting someone new. Cast your net wide on this level.

Level Three:

These are settings in which you share a strong interest with everyone there, such as ski clubs, bike clubs, yoga classes, etc. These settings are great for making friends and having fun, in addition to finding a potential partner. If you do not meet the kind of potential partners you are looking for, you can still form friendships and network—your friends can be your best referral partners, and people that you would want for friends are more likely to know someone good for you to meet. Don’t get discouraged if a setting doesn’t have the man you are looking for.

Level Four:

These are settings in which you share important values, goals, and/or passions with everyone there, such as your church, service clubs, personal growth venues, political events, etc. These are highly individual and can sometimes be a challenge to find, but the good news is that you can create your own. These settings tend to be communities unto themselves that have a level of mutual support and involvement in each other’s lives. These are the people you would invite to your birthday party or wedding—the people that want to see you be happy and succeed in finding your life partner. These settings are the best venues for finding your life partner and/or get the support you need to find your life partner.

My suggestion would be to think about these four levels and do a little personal inventory of what you are currently doing. 

• Where do you go on a regular basis?
• Do you belong to social groups?
• What are some causes or interests you are passionate about?
• Are you asking friends who they know?

Try making a plan to be doing something in all four levels. Like anything else in your life, if it’s important to you, having a plan in place greatly increases your odds of success.  Don’t leave your love life just to chance.