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3 Simple Steps to Take it from a Wink to a Date

Do you ever start to feel anxiety when you’re on an online dating site? Do you wonder, “Do I start the conversation or wait? What do I say when he responds? What if he starts to talk about sex?”

I want to share 3 simple steps with you so you can confidently navigate conversations online and either move things towards meeting or move on. (Because no matter how fun online chatting is, nothing is real until you meet.)

1. Always start with mindset.

You will get what you focus on. Monique, a former client of mine, came to me because she could not meet a nice guy. Now Monique is what you would call a high-quality woman but she did not attract high-quality men.

One day on a coaching call, after identifying her blocks, she was back on dating sites. Monique said to me, “I don’t know where all of these great guys came from, but I never noticed them before.” Your brain will only see what you expect to see.

2. Send a playful wink.

Now that you’ve gotten their attention with your fabulous profile, there’s nothing wrong with a playful wink on someone’s profile that catches your interest. At the most a question about something interesting that caught your eye. Past that, let them lead the engagement.

In this step, there is 1 main thing to achieve…narrow the field. You could think of this as screening applicants.

Take this time to find out if someone meets your requirements. (Because, if just one doesn’t fit, the relationship won’t work.) See how they respond to requests and boundaries. There are a lot of nice guys online, but many are bad daters. They’re using the same skills they used in college. Unless they go too far, give them a little grace the first time and ask for something different. If someone is sexualizing things a lot, tell him that you’re not comfortable with that kind of conversation, yet. Then see how he responds. Many times he will say, “Oh, okay.” If he doesn’t respect the request, you have your answer and can politely and quickly move on.

Ask questions relevant to what’s in their profiles or in their messages. Believe what they say.

3. Be honest, friendly and engaging in any and all communication. Keep messages light and a bit on the surface. Practice kindness with boundaries. Most of them are as nervous and unsure as you are.

When the communication starts to flow, in order to not get stuck in a perpetual texting loop, think in 2’s:

  • 2 messages,
  • 2 texts
  • 2 phone calls

The idea is to meet in person to see if there’s potential to take it further. It will also tell you something about them if they continue to make excuses and resist meeting. A simple, “Hey, what do you think about meeting Saturday morning for coffee?” will work. Remember, it’s paying attention to how they respond, and how that response makes you feel. (Hint: It should feel good.)

What to say? Well, there’s no way to give you exact words for every situation. Really, just be yourself; have a conversation as if you were at a party. Keep the conversation light, nothing too deep or too personal initially. Stay away from sexual innuendos, but a little banter or flirting is good. This is an opportunity to practice being yourself and practice boundaries. Your guy is looking for you and will like YOU just as you are!

Then meet in person or virtually. It’s not real until you meet.

For the next week, I encourage you to engage men in conversation for practice. You don’t have to meet them, but it will help you to relax and engage with men you are interested in meeting. I’d love to hear how it goes. Email me and let me know.

Bonus Tip!

Men usually DO NOT get as much out of online conversations as we do. They may get excited about meeting you and make comments, but don’t expect that they have gotten the same warm fuzzy feeling that you may have.

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You can catch these tips and more from my Facebook Live (broadcast on September 23),

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Quit Wasting Time with Online Dating

Does the thought of online dating make you cringe and roll your eyes? You’re not alone. Something I consistently hear from women is their frustration with online dating. It takes too much time, there aren’t any good men online, no one pursues me….

Does any of this sound familiar?

Yet, during this time of COVID, one of the things that has happened is all of this isolation and social distancing has really brought out our need for connection and has more people thinking about dating again.

Believe it or not, this is a great time to be dating. You just have to be willing to be a bit creative. The good news is, if a man is seriously looking for a relationship, he’s online.

That brings us back to the first sentence…online dating.

I’d like to support you with making your time on line more efficient and with better results, meaning you’ll meet more interesting men.

Below are 3 mistakes that I see women making that make online dating time-consuming with little to no results.

  1. Your presence online is not consistent. What this tells him is this isn’t a priority in your life. You’re already saying “I don’t have time for this.” If you say you’re too busy, then how will you have time to date or for a relationship?
  2. You’re not clear about what you want so you spend too much time interacting with the wrong men or wondering if you should talk to this one or that one…
  3. You don’t really believe there are good men online, or at least not for you. You’re more focused on seeing what’s wrong with them and not getting hurt than being open to meeting someone.

If you’re ready to make being in a relationship more of a priority, here are 5 ways you can turn those mistakes around.

  1. Create a schedule and a routine for being online. Get on every day for 15-30 minutes.
  2. Look at who has contacted you and quickly sort through who you want to respond to. (Stay focused on what you want, and trust that what you don’t want will also be evident to you.) Sorting is the process of quickly determining if you have enough in common to pursue getting to know someone. Sorting should be quick and is often determined by the information in the dating software (i.e., maybe he has younger children and yours are grown).
  3. Send short replies to those who contacted you to further a conversation.
  4. Look for 2-3 new men to wink at or say hello to.
  5. You’re done! Log off and move on with your day.

So there you have it. Online dating doesn’t have to be hard and a time suck.  

I invite you to give the above ideas a try and see if your results change. I’d love to hear from you what happens.

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The Biggest Question I Get from Women

I often get asked by women, “Where do I meet a quality man?”

While the short answer is “they’re everywhere,” I wanted to break it down to give you something a little more specific to work with. While I do believe one never knows where you’ll meet someone, the four levels below show you how you can increase your chances of not just meeting someone, but increase your chances of them being compatible with you.

 I do understand that the current situation with social distancing has greatly changed our lives. However, some things are starting to happen again and places are opening up. We all have to make our own choices to feel safe. Use the information below as it works for you.

Level One:

Remember that public places such as the supermarket, post office, art and wine festivals, etc., with a great diversity of people offer opportunities because you go there often. Although, it’s true these don’t have a high likelihood of meeting your soul mate, don’t rule them out.

Level Two:

While your odds increase with generic singles settings such as singles bars, singles clubs and events, dating sites, etc., because you can meet more singles, finding qualified potential partners can be quite challenging, as many frustrated singles will attest. My suggestion is to manage your expectations and just have fun while being open to meeting someone new. Cast your net wide on this level.

Level Three:

These are settings in which you share a strong interest with everyone there, such as ski clubs, bike clubs, yoga classes, etc. These settings are great for making friends and having fun, in addition to finding a potential partner. If you do not meet the kind of potential partners you are looking for, you can still form friendships and network—your friends can be your best referral partners, and people that you would want for friends are more likely to know someone good for you to meet. Don’t get discouraged if a setting doesn’t have the man you are looking for.

Level Four:

These are settings in which you share important values, goals, and/or passions with everyone there, such as your church, service clubs, personal growth venues, political events, etc. These are highly individual and can sometimes be a challenge to find, but the good news is that you can create your own. These settings tend to be communities unto themselves that have a level of mutual support and involvement in each other’s lives. These are the people you would invite to your birthday party or wedding—the people that want to see you be happy and succeed in finding your life partner. These settings are the best venues for finding your life partner and/or get the support you need to find your life partner.

My suggestion would be to think about these four levels and do a little personal inventory of what you are currently doing. 

  • Where do you go on a regular basis?
  • Do you belong to social groups?
  • What are some causes or interests you are passionate about?
  • Are you asking friends who they know?

Try making a plan to be doing something in all four levels. Like anything else in your life, if it’s important to you, having a plan in place greatly increases your odds of success.  Don’t leave your love life just to chance.

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What does being vulnerable and feminine look like in the beginning of dating?

Can you provide me with some examples of what vulnerability + being in your feminine look like on a first date and/or in the beginning when getting to know someone? I didn’t have this modeled growing up, so I’m still learning this new feminine way of being and what intimacy looks like. I also struggle with the difference between vulnerability and over-sharing in the beginning dating stages. Would love to know your thoughts!

Great question! Thanks for asking! Let’s take this question apart into 3 areas.

  1. Being in your feminine
  2. First dates, or the beginning.
  3. Vulnerability and intimacy.

1.Being in your feminine

This is less about what you do, and more about where your energy is in your body at the time that you do it. I know that this might leave you with a screwed up expression on your face thinking, “What is she talking about?”, and that’s good!

The thing is, this whole post could be about feminine energy alone, and I’ll get into that more. For today, lets say it about being aware of, and feeling into your body. Your body has your answers and doesn’t lie. But as women, many of us have adapted to a masculine way of living and working that doesn’t work for us. (It does work for them.)

It has become very popular among others coaches to say, “Lean back and be in your feminine.” I don’t agree with that. Just stand still and be at home in yourself. Being in your feminine, in a powerful way, means to honor yourself first. Now this doesn’t mean only thinking of yourself, this means checking in with yourself first and being aware of how you FEEL about the choice before you. If you don’t respect and honor yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

2.First dates or in the beginning

Your relationship starts here. Whether it’s someone you continue to see or not, from the very beginning you are teaching them how to treat you. This is the part where many of my clients have resistance because it’s different than what we’re used to doing. The main message here is to slow down. You have time.

  • If this is someone you are meeting online I don’t call it a date, I call it meeting someone. You’re having an initial meeting to see if there’s enough connection to go on a date.
  • What we’re always looking for is how he reacts to you. Start with setting some boundaries up front. Let the man know that you only have 45 minutes to an hour to meet, and what your criteria is to feel safe physically and for social distancing. Give him some ideas and let him pick where.

Sherrie, a client of mine, met a man online. When it was time to meet she followed her plan and told him what she needed and why. He lived about 45 minutes from her and said no, he’d rather meet in the middle. She declined to meet him as he already was not willing to honor her request for safety. She kept her word to herself, and within 2 months she met a wonderful man and was married a year later. He adores her! Set yourself up to be cherished and protected by expressing what you need to feel safe. This is being vulnerable and strong.

Men react to women. So when you make requests, you get to see who he is and how he’ll treat you. Give them some guidance and set them up to win by making suggestions and letting them know what you like, or don’t like, but then let them decide.

3.Intimacy and vulnerability

John Gray, in his book, Mars and Venus on a Date, said it really well. Don’t show someone all of your warts at the beginning, it will most likely overwhelm them. But if you wait until they get to know you and share a bit at a time. It will not be a big deal. They need time to develop trust in who you are today. Many people get lulled into a false sense of premature intimacy because of the ‘connection’ they feel. Trust me that’s just your hormones talking.

In short, be at home in your body, express what you need to feel safe and to have fun, let him lead the direction and then just relax and be yourself.

*******

Send me your questions (any questions!) to janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and I will answer them here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

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Should Women Lead When it Comes to Dating and Relationships?

I get this question, or some version of it, from women all of the time. There is so much confusion out there on roles and expectations. Who asks, who pays, do I call, should I wait…agh!! I know some coaches say, “Absolutely go after what you want!” Some say, “Lean back, let the man pursue you.” Some women say they’re old-fashioned and want the man to pursue them. And the man sits there with his head spinning not sure which way to go, trying to read your mind so he can make you happy.

So, should women lead when it comes to love? The short answer is, yes! But before you agree or click away, let me explain.

There is more than one way for you to lead when it comes to love. I’m going to share three tips on how you can effectively lead and bring out the masculine alpha man you desire to have in your life and your bed.

3. Lead by making requests.

It’s not so much what you say but how you say it. 

Women lead in love through suggestions and questions. It’s not from a place of weakness or being submissive (you’ll never agree to something you really don’t want to do) it’s from a place of presenting opportunity and letting him make you happy by doing something he knows you will like. If you’ve just started dating, you get to see what he will do, what action he will take. (This is where integrity comes in; there’s a fine line here between having everyone’s best interest at heart and manipulation.)

Let’s say you’re going to dinner and he asks where you would like to go. Give him 2-3 options that you would love and let him know you love it when he takes care of that decision. He gets to step in and provide something for you, he feels appreciated, his testosterone goes up, and everyone is happy. Never say, “I don’t care you choose,” unless you are truly willing to go anywhere. Otherwise, that’s sitting you both up to lose, and you already know that’s not being a good partner.

2. Lead by setting boundaries.

Boundaries start with knowing what’s okay and not okay for you, how you desire to be treated and/or touched.

I know smart, successful women that have a hard time doing this when it comes to love. Usually it’s one of two reasons. 1.) You are leading and doing everything! There’s no need for boundaries because he’s not in charge of anything. This typically leads to frustrated men that shut down or leave. Or, frustrated women because the men sit on the couch and don’t do anything. Sadly, the truth is we’ve taught them they don’t have to. 2.) For some, because of past experiences, we can be so smart and successful in the rest of our lives, but it can be difficult to set a boundary when it comes to love. We can’t get what we really want and need out of our mouth.

The first place to start is getting really clear on your boundaries. The second is practicing saying them even if it’s messy. I had a client who was asked out by a man she really wanted to meet, but it was on the night before a big presentation at work. She was hesitant to meet him, but it had been so hard for them to find a mutual time she really wanted to go. We discussed what time she would need to be home in order to meet him and still feel prepared for the next day, and how she would tell him in advance. She felt so much more relaxed and confident being able to say, “I’d love to meet you for a drink. I just need to be home by 7:30, so I’m ready for my presentation tomorrow.” She was thrilled when he was not only agreeable, but thanked her for letting him know.

1. Lead by being vulnerable.

This looks like asking for what you need. Telling him how you feel, how he makes you feel, how what he did (good or bad) made you feel.

Speaking up when you’re angry, sad, frustrated, happy, horny or excited We may want men to lead the direction of the relationship, but women lead the depth. Emotional depth is more of our wheelhouse.

When we open up about our feelings, it takes a man out of most of his thoughts, from being in his head, and helps him to connect to the emotions in his body. Yep, that’s right, many men don’t do that easily. It’s one of the things that men love about women and look for in a woman. Does she get him out of his “thinking” and into his “emotions.”

I can personally tell you this works. I’m writing to you today on the 12th anniversary of my first date with Bruce. I learned to quit leading by ‘doing’ everything and started leading by requests, asking what he thought, and being vulnerable by setting boundaries and sharing my feelings. The funny thing is, all of the while I felt more in control of me while dating than I ever had in my whole dating life.

Because I was in control of myself without trying to control everything else. That’s the real secret to leading in love.

I’m certainly not perfect at this, but I’m aware of showing up as a leader in our relationship on a daily basis. When I fail, I’m vulnerable and apologize. That’s me doing my part by being a leader in sustaining our partnership.

You see, ladies, you really don’t need a man that has this level of emotional awareness and depth… just one that will participate and follow your lead when invited.

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What does it mean to be seen?

Thank you so very much for the questions you sent in. I love being given the chance to answer and support you.  Here’s a recent question.

What exactly does it mean to be seen?  In your last meeting this was the topic of discussion. Can you elaborate, or give examples of what that is or looks like, or feels like, as a woman, who is seen.  I have not had role models in my life to know.  Thanks for clarifying. 

Thank you sooo much for asking for clarity on this topic. It came from my Facebook live two weeks ago on this subject.  You can watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/relatedatemate/ 

A natural part of the feminine is to be understood and seen for who she is without needing to do anything. A woman in her feminine wants/desires healthy, loving attention and often.  

This is not a desire that comes from weakness, or a need to ‘get attention’ but a desire to grow. Healthy attention is like water and food; if we don’t get it we don’t grow, and when we stop growing, we die a bit inside. It’s that important. You can tell a woman who is seen by the people in her life by her vibrancy, her health, her skin, and her smile. She is energetically and emotionally well-fed and it shows. And when we don’t get healthy attention, that shows also.

Many of us have shut down this desire because of the negative or uncomfortable attention we may have received. We don’t feel safe, or we’ve gotten negative messages that you’re ‘too much,’ and it’s not right… it’s not politically correct to want to be seen.  

In a more tangible sense, being seen means showing up, not just physically, but energetically. It looks like setting boundaries and asking for what you want from life and those around you. It’s feeling pleasure in your life and your body and not apologizing for it if it makes others uncomfortable. 

In my work, it looks like me telling you more about me, not being afraid of whether you’ll like me or not if I tell you hard truths. In my relationship, it took a long time for me to be able to really own my ‘sexy’ that came from a place of pleasing me, not just him. And, with other women, it was learning not to fear being ‘too much’ so I’d be accepted.

So here’s something that may be hard to hear, but it’s what I see as one of the biggest problems in dating and relationships today. (Please always remember there is no judgment here as I have done almost all of the things I talk about wrong. I’ve been you.)  

Okay, here goes…we have a tendency to want to blame men for what they “do to us.” Every time I read or hear this it breaks my heart, because what I now know is: YOU HAVE THE POWER. You’ve had it all along. But because of biology and instincts that tell you to be nice so you’re accepted, and whatever baggage life and society has piled on you, we don’t speak up, we don’t show up. I get it, it’s not easy. For some of us it’s harder than for others. I’m one of those. (Let’s talk about anxious attachment, ugh!!!  More on that later.) But I’ve learned to do it differently by being committed to choosing what’s right for me. It’s a daily practice.  

Ladies, it’s about turning our light on and living in more pleasure as a woman. (Which is NOT about a certain way you need to look or act. It’s individually, uniquely your pleasure.) 

Here’s a couple of things I’d ask you to think about.

  1. How do you feel about being ‘seen’? Are you so into giving or guarded that you can’t receive a man’s attention?  Does it make you feel uncomfortable?

  2. Where do you shrink or hide? Whether it’s at work or in dating and relationships, where do you hold back because it feels too vulnerable or someone shamed you? (I shut down how I liked to dance because my ex thought it was too sexy. I like to move my hips.)

  3. What happens to your body when you are doing something that brings you pleasure? Can you really be with it?

 

I encourage you to sit with these questions and be really honest with yourself.  Are you willing to:

  • dress for yourself?
  • say no to something you don’t want?
  • say yes to something that you do want?
  • say what you think and mean?
  • express your thoughts and ideas?

Every shift in growth for us starts with an awareness of what we don’t like in our life. Where are you holding back when it comes to being seen?

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Send me your questions (any questions!) to janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and I will answer them here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

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