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Set Him Up to Win

Our next topic in How to Bring Out the Best in a Man is how to set him up to win. One of the first and most important things to understand is that when he wins, you win. When he feels good about himself and the relationship, he will want to connect and provide what you want.

Let’s go a little deeper in the male psyche.

We already talked about how men naturally want to protect and provide for you. It is also in men’s nature to play for points. They play to win. (It’s part of their ‘hunter’ mentality.) For men, failure is equal to shame. When they continuously fail to win with you (make you happy), they experience shame.

One of the things I did when I started dating Bruce was make it easy for him to know that it was safe to take the next step, to continue his pursuit. I did this by letting him know what I liked and thanking him for the efforts I saw him make—doing what he said he would do or picking a restaurant I enjoyed. (By the way, this was very different behavior for me.) 

Today, almost 12 years later, I still make a point to notice and appreciate what he does and what makes me happy. 

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and he came to me a few days ahead and told me he was stressing about what he should do for my special day. Like every year, I smiled inside and told him what would make me happy; he relaxed and made it happen. I was very appreciative. Do you think he’ll want to do that again? Of course! By knowing what I wanted and telling him, I won and so did he.

Let me break this down into 5 easy points to remember.

  1. Assume innocence. Assume he wants to please you. 
  2. Tell him what you need/desire. Don’t expect him to read your mind.  You have to have spent some time diving deep into yourself to know this. 
  3. Make space for his masculine energy. Relationships need polarity. Step into your feminine and let him take the part of leading direction and action. You lead depth and intimacy. 
  4. Lead with receptivity. Can you receive what he wants to provide? 
  5. Support him; what you water, grows.  Notice what he does: “It makes me so happy when you do_____.”  Rather than thinking, or saying, “It’s about time you got that done,” try, “When you trimmed the border out front that made me sooo happy.  It looks so nice.”

It may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice the easier it will become.

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Show Him He’s Needed

Showing a man he’s needed is how you bring out the best in him. 

A man wants to feel like a man. And he feels like a man when he’s needed and desired by a special someone, you. It’s in his evolutionary genes; he loves the role of being a protector. And he feels good about himself when he sees himself as the provider of your happiness and security. 

One of the biggest misconceptions I see out there is women thinking that asking for help from a man makes them ‘needy.’ You’ve heard me talk about this before in other posts.  I can’t say it enough: Every man wants to date a woman who’s in control of her life, and no man likes a woman who’s too clingy or needy all the time. But sometimes, your independent streak could make your man feel undesired.

It’s not hard to make a man feel needed and wanted. Because women mostly assume men think and feel like we do, we miss what it really is that makes them feel good. In other words, what makes you feel needed isn’t going to be what works for him.  Almost always, it’s the little things that have the biggest impact.

As I said, a guy needs to feel needed in a relationship.

When he feels like he’s needed it gives him purpose, he feels good about himself and the relationship.

He assumes he plays an important part in your life, and that makes him try harder to be nicer because he believes his behavior towards you has an impact on your life.

Here are 5 ways to show him he’s needed:

1. Let him know you respect him.

This is HUGE to your guy. Your respect and what you think of him plays a big part in how he feels about himself. If you think he’s worthless, or not capable of doing something, it’ll hit him harder than his biggest critics.  If you can’t respect him, he’s not your guy.

2. Appreciate him, or What you water, grows. 

Appreciate the little things he does, even if he doesn’t expect acknowledgment for it. If he fills a glass of water for you, or does your laundry, don’t just take it for granted even if it’s a regular chore. Thank him for it. You’ll notice him smiling to himself.  My man has a little chuckle that comes out when I express my appreciation.

3. Ask him for help. 

Allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him. As strong and capable as you are, let your guard down in front of him and let him see your vulnerable and soft side. Talk to him about things that trouble you and make him realize just how much you need his support too.  When my father passed away in January, Bruce was there.  I loved knowing that I was safe and loved, wrapped up in his big arms.  And, read #2 again.

4. Ask him for advice. 

If you want to make your guy feel needed and wanted, just ask him for advice. It’s as simple as that! Asking him for advice shows your man that you respect him and value him enough to do something based on his judgment and opinion. And he can’t get a bigger boost than that. He’ll swell up with happiness, and he’ll feel really good about himself within minutes!

5. Don’t reject his efforts.

This one breaks my heart. Trust me, I get that sometimes this one is haaard.  Do not reject his effort to make you happy. If he sneaks up on you from behind to hug you, or if he messes the kitchen up just a little while preparing breakfast for you, don’t criticize him for that. Men play for points.  And, failing is how men experience shame.  He’ll feel stupid for trying to do something nice for you, and he’ll resent you for it.  Here again, if you don’t like what he’s offering, move on.

Ladies, here’s something that may be hard to hear. This isn’t all about you.  This is also about how your man feels. A question that struck me a few years ago is Why would I ever want this amazing, generous, loving man to feel bad?  If you haven’t already noticed it, watch for the way couples that you’re around treat each other. Watch what a man will attempt to do and how often he gets shut down. You’re right, sometimes what they do seems so wrong or even stupid to us, and I encourage you to look for their heart in their actions.

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Boundaries

A few days ago I went to the pet store to pick up dog food.  I asked them if they would be willing to bring it out so I could pick it up curbside, they were more than happy to do this for me. What I thought was interesting was, although I felt a bit uncomfortable going out, and I did want to make sure I was physically distancing myself, I felt funny asking.  I felt like I wasn’t being nice. What the heck!

But, there it was, that feeling that so many of us get, that instinctual, societal pull to be nice.

Because of a program I’m developing for clients, my mind has been on the topic of asking for what you need and personal responsibility, I started thinking about boundaries. Boundaries are essential to keeping ourselves safe. Being able to have and enforce boundaries is a foundational part of a healthy relationship.  I find it boils down to this. Communicating a boundary is just telling our truth about what we want and need.

So why can it be so hard to do?

Well, it’s a few things. Part of it is instinct.  There is that primitive part of our brain that says, “Be nice or you’ll be kicked out of the clan and you won’t be safe.”  Society, especially for women, plays a part in influencing the roles we play. And, most of us were raised to “be nice.” What I often find with my clients is a disconnect with what they value and truly desire. And, we can’t ask for what we’re not aware of.

I can remember when I was younger and didn’t know myself, the only boundary I had was blowing up when I’d had enough.  It was often the proverbial, straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back” situation. It usually wasn’t even that big of a deal, and often directed at a person that I felt safer with, not the one with which I really had the issue.

What have you experienced? How are you doing with distancing? Are there times you’ve done things you weren’t comfortable with because you didn’t speak up? How does that show up in the rest of your life? How does it show up in your relationships and dating?

If you’re up for some self-exploration while we’re isolating, here’s something you can do.  Pay attention to how often you can catch yourself saying yes when you really want to say no. Don’t worry about the situation or circumstances, just notice how it feels in your body. I felt it in my chest, other times it’s been an uneasiness in my stomach.  Do you feel angry or frustrated? Or, maybe disappointed? Do you feel like your choice has been taken away and you can never have it your way? What comes up for you?

Another thing you can do is take some time to think about how you show up in your past or present relationships with men. Is it easier to ‘say no’ in every other part of your life except with men you’re interested in or have a relationship with?

I’d love to hear what you notice. I invite you to join my private Facebook group, https://www.facebook.com/groups/relatedatemate, where it’s a safe place to talk about this kind of thing. Come on over and say hi and tell me what you noticed.

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How to Let Go of Your Fear of Dating

Many independent single ladies don’t like the idea of dating. For some of us, anxiety takes over. For others, dating was never a priority. And some women have had their fair share of dating. And none of these relationships ever progress.

There are many reasons why women can develop fears of dating. You like your independence and worry that you’ll lose yourself in a long-term commitment. Perhaps you don’t want to approach a handsome man out of fear that he won’t like you. Or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll step into the same toxic relationship you just escaped.

Whatever the reason, these fears shouldn’t keep you from trying again. Dating is playful, introduces you to new people, and teaches us a lot about ourselves. Here are a few ways to let go of your fear of dating.

Just Breathe

Taking deep breaths may sound cliché, but there’s a reason therapists and coaches use it in their sessions. Anxiety is linked to our “fight or flight” response, whether the danger is real or not. By slowing down your breathing, you’re activating your calming system and slowing down your heart rate, which enables you to think and act clearly and more rationally.

Stop Judging

You already put so much pressure on yourself in your career and family life. Don’t do that on your dates too. Are you wondering whether you’ll be judged on your looks, the way you talk, or how you feel? When we judge ourselves so harshly, we assume others do too. Be open and give yourselves the chance of getting to know your date better. So, stop judging yourself!

Forget the Games and Be Vulnerable

Have you ever seen a season of The Bachelor where men have not asked women to be vulnerable? It’s difficult for shy or anxious people to open up at first. We learned that showing emotion is a sign of weakness while, in fact, it’s a mark of strength. By being vulnerable, you’re showing that you can survive anything and still be true to yourself. Don’t worry about the rules of dating and what society expects of you. Men aren’t looking for perfect; they’re looking for authenticity.

Remember It’s a Date, Not an Arranged Marriage

You don’t have to imagine getting married to every man you meet. The great thing about dating is that there are no serious attachments, thus, focus on enjoying the date. It is a process to find out how compatible you are, so the more you disclose and learn, the more successful you’ll be. And if it doesn’t work or you don’t feel comfortable, move on. It’s not a failed attempt; you just found a person who doesn’t fit into your dream.

If you find yourself struggling with the above strategies, reach out to a professional to assist with your dating fears. You don’t have to remain that single person who is always surrounded by friends in relationships

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How to Avoid Your 3 Biggest Dating Fears

Does the idea of putting yourself out there again make you feel anxious? If you feel this way, you’re not alone. Getting back into dating can be challenging for anyone, especially when you’ve been trying to find the one for so long, have lost someone recently, went through a divorce, or have only had bad experiences.

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Avoid these Dating Traps

When we embark on a journey to find that special someone, sometimes we can’t help but fall into all sorts of dating traps. Both women and men alike can fall into bad dating habits, mostly without realizing it. And the more desperate we become, the less likely it is to avoid them.

Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of partners that only leave you hurt and disappointed at the end? There are ways to identify common patterns in the way we approach dating and by becoming self-aware and conscious of the traps we regularly fall for.

Of course, there are many dating traps you should avoid, but here are three of the common ones mature women seem to fall into.

Trap #1: Doing the Walking Billboard

Your past may have left you with the idea that you need to be more attractive. So you do everything to create the illusion of being younger, skinnier, funnier, smarter, or any other adjective you think men look for. You’re selling yourself as a different person because you believe no man would want to date you for who you really are. Believe me when I say you can’t market yourself for such a long time. Your true self will come out eventually and it will only lead to disappointment and anger at the end.

Trap #2: The Gold Giftwrap

Now for the opposite of the marketing trap. Instead of selling yourself as an attractive “package”, you focus on others’ wrapping. You know you’re basing a potential relationship on a date on external things when you worry more about the overall looks, his education, what career he has and whether he has the money. Sure, we all have drooled over Magic Mike and the gang’s smooth moves, but those six packs won’t keep you warm at night. If you focus only on the superficial and others’ wealth, you might miss who the person is on the inside. What if you don’t like what you find?

Trap #3: Supply and Demand

As time goes on, you fear that there are fewer good men left for you. Thus, your mind tricks you into thinking that you either have to remain single or take what you can get. This is probably one of the most dangerous dating traps; you lower your standards out of fear of scarcity, so you settle for less and end up in a worse situation. You are worth so much more. Don’t go for just any man. Keep looking and keep hoping.

Attracting a healthy and happy relationship should never involve drama and disappointments. You deserve the partner of your dreams, but you need to change your mindset and have a clear map that will help you miss the dating traps on your path of finding love. If you would like support on how to do this, let’s hop on a call.

Big luv,

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