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Trust

When it comes to love and relationships, the #1 thing we all want is to be able to feel safe and secure in our relationship. We want to be able to trust that the other person will never hurt us.  

Several years ago, at the end of a date, I had invited the gentleman back to my place. We were on the couch making out (I was very physically attracted to him). As men will do, he was trying to “move the evening along.” And, while I was interested, something inside me made me stop and look at him and say, “I don’t know if I can trust you.” He in turn looked me straight in the eye and said, “Then what am I doing here in your house?”

It wasn’t just a light bulb that went on; it was more like the bright, glaring sun after being in a dark room all day, and, metaphorically getting smacked between the eyes by a 2 x 4. All of a sudden it hit me. I had a habit of placing the responsibility of not hurting me on the men I dated! I was making them responsible for protecting my feelings.

In that moment, I got that my heart, my safety, was my responsibility. For some reason, I had thought I could go through life and others would take care of my feelings! It was their fault if I got hurt.

Until that moment, I didn’t even know I thought that. I thought I had good boundaries and was a strong independent woman and in many ways I was.  But, I didn’t really know how to trust. So I, (this word is still hard to swallow for me) was unknowingly being a victim. I was giving up my power.

I often hear from women, “How can I trust again.” Or, “How do I know if I can trust him?”

What I now know is in order to be able to trust others, you have to be able to trust yourself first.  

First, let me explain a little bit about what I mean by trusting yourself first. I needed to trust that I would speak up for myself. By this point I knew about boundaries and what mine were. I just wasn’t good at saying them. This often left me beating myself up because I did it again.  I needed to trust myself not to deny red flags when I saw them. I often stayed way too long. I also needed to know that I trusted myself to leave a relationship when I knew it wasn’t right for me. Let me put it another way: I needed to know that I would make good decisions and protect my heart as well as my mind and body. Instead I often was crying to my girlfriends, “Look what he did to me!”   

What happens when you can trust yourself? It frees you up to meet the man in front of you instead of projecting the responsibility of your previous wounds on him. It gives you confidence to be yourself. In other words, don’t judge every man you meet by what the previous man did.

And, when you meet that right man because you have the confidence to trust yourself, and really give him a chance, it creates safety for the man in your life, and he relaxes and opens up more emotionally.

So the next time you’re with a man and find yourself wondering if you can trust him, check in with yourself first and ask this question: Do I trust myself to take care of my heart?

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“How to overcome being an alpha-type and stop pushing men away?”

I was recently asked this question and I thought I would also answer it here as I feel many women may have this question.  

I am newly divorced after 24 years… I am and have always been the alpha type, which I feel puts me at a disadvantage. Men seem to find it intimidating. How do you feel you overcame this?

This is such a great question. 

For most of my life I worked in sales and was paid solely by commission. Basically, it was eat what you kill. Well, I tended to live my life that way and dated that way. If you see something you want, go get it!  After breaking up with a guy after another failed 2 year relationship, I decided to try something different. I decided to let him pursue me. I certainly didn’t do it perfectly, I had to work at it! But it was so much easier. I was so much more relaxed and unattached to the outcome. It felt sooo good.  

Before I met Bruce,  I was the one to set up dates, plan where we were going or what we were doing. I would cook for him and buy him things, massage his back… (Wouldn’t you like to date me?) I basically taught him he didn’t have to put out much effort to please me. Of course after awhile, I’d get tired of doing all the work and start to get mad. Now I see 3 ways how I set myself up for disappointment. 

1. I was being the MAN.

2. I also had a problem receiving what he did offer. I believed I had to do all of the giving so he’d like me.

3. I lacked information and role models. I really didn’t know better.

I now have a better understanding of what was going on and how to change it. It’s what I teach my clients–how to be in charge of you and come from a powerful, feminine place. It’s the juicy place where we get to sit back and get sweet attention from our man. It’s energetically calling forth the healthy masculine in a man. And, ladies, that is yummy!!!! 

I worked on myself and my worth and the ability to receive. I also learned a LOT! I hired a coach and I got mentors. I now understand what it means to be powerful and feminine. I look forward to the day that enough people understand this way of being in relationships that it’s the norm.

Oh BTW, men aren’t intimidated, they just don’t see any place for them to provide anything in your life.  If they can’t provide, they don’t have purpose.  If they don’t have purpose they fear they won’t be loved.

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I’d like to start offering this opportunity to you. Send me a question and I will answer it here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

Just email your questions–any questions–to me at: janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and watch for your answers the following week.

From my heart to yours!

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The Power of Feminine Presence (You’ve Had the Power All Along)

In my last post I introduced the concept of two energies that reside in all of us—masculine and feminine energy.

As a reminder, many women are not aware of the difference between masculine and feminine energies.  

At our core, we all have a predominant energy that is either masculine or feminine. Generally, women have feminine core energy and men have masculine core energy.  This energy plays a major role in our lives and our relationships.

Masculine energy is all about action, giving, decision-making, and problem solving. Masculine energy is action and assertiveness.

Feminine energy is more about being, feeling, receiving, vulnerability, and openness. Feminine energy is focused on being in the moment instead of doing.

Today, I want to start off with what feminine energy is NOT.

Take a moment and think about being feminine or having feminine energy: what thoughts immediately come to mind?  (Any thoughts are fine; this is just exploring.)  

I often hear words like weak, submissive, under-earner, and don’t get anything done.  Being feminine is not about how much makeup or jewelry you wear (unless that makes you feel more beautiful and feminine inside). It’s not about painted nails, long hair, how much pink you wear, or how submissive you are.  It’s not about the job you have, how much you make, or whether you choose to stay home and have babies.

No one has to tell you how to be feminine. You already are inside. It is a matter of tapping into this core energy and finding what works for you.  Each woman will have her own version. The key is to find what works for you.

Both men and women, I believe, have gotten lost in today’s society. Women complain that men don’t take enough of the lead in a relationship and men are confused about what women really want. Roles are changing, and the lines are blurred. I believe this is a normal part of evolution.  I also think it is important for women to give up some control and stop managing and over-giving in relationships. It’s important to create some space for a man to take the masculine role that makes him feel good about himself.   

In the coming weeks I will be diving more into what this is and why it’s important. How aligning with your core energy lets you access more of your light and create more ease and beauty in your life and relationships?

Stay with me….more is coming, and I’m very excited to share it with you!

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You’ve Always Had the Power

I woke up with this message this morning and I wanted to share it with you. 

To all of the amazing women in the world. The time has come for women to claim their true power and contribute to the world in a way that we haven’t seen in centuries, maybe never. 

Ladies, when it comes to love and relationships, you have always had the power. Women are the Holy Grail that men seek. Men need our light, our softness, our sensuousness, to experience the world in a way that is different than they see it. 

For over 50 years, in an effort to break out of stereotypes and take our place at the table, we have rallied around the thought that men are bad and women are good. I get it, I was part of it. And, after decades of beating them down, we now have a world of disempowered men that are shut down and angry. What if you knew that it was men’s soul purpose to protect and provide for those in his “circle of love”? And yet, for decades they have been told that we don’t need them. They are only wanted, not needed. When men have to defend themselves from us they cannot be in a place to cherish and protect us. 

Look around at the power you have. We are the creators. Look at what we have created. Is this the world you want to live in?

Ladies, my message to you today is, you have it within you to change this. YOU ALREADY HAVE THE POWER.  But we can’t bring balance to our world without empowering men.

Did that scare some of you?  Did you stop breathing for a second at the thought of going back to what it has been?  A world where we were not safe?  I feel you.  

Ladies, this is about going forward with love. What would it be like to live among more empowered men? Men that can be our partners at work and at home.  

Ladies, you have that light in you that will welcome them in and show them the way. It is up to us to lead with love, compassion, and so important… boundaries.  

The opportunity we face is that many of us are disconnected from our light. We have lived and competed in the masculine world for so long we either don’t know we have a light, or have lost the connection to turn it on.  

Imagine for a minute, thousands of women with their internal, energetic ‘love light’ turned on acting as thousands of lighthouses calling men to the safety of home. Where we are all safe and loved. Where men can feel needed again and have purpose again. Where they now know how to stand by our side to change the world together. We don’t have to do it alone.

Now some of you may say, ugh!, just more that women have to do. Well, the one that leads is the one that knows the way. You know the way.  

Ladies, it is time for change. You hold the power. It’s just you. It’s your light. I want to help you find it again and turn your ‘love light’ back on or turn up the wattage to bring the love you have always wanted into your life and guide us into a better, more loving world.  

Will you join me in changing the world? 

If this resonates with you and you want more, or if it irks you and you want to have a dialog, I welcome both.  

I want to invite you to join me in my private Facebook Group, Relate, Date and Mate – where I will be talking about this topic more and we can privately explore it together.   Just click the link above and join me and the other ladies for support and conversation. 

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Receive and Reinforce

Receive and Reinforce–this is the 5th tip and the last in the series: 5 Ways to Bring out the Best in a Man.

In the previous tips I’ve talked about how it is in men’s nature to want to protect and provide for the people that are important in their lives. In order for this to work, we need to be able to receive what they offer. Think about this: nothing can be given if it is not first received.

Ladies, on a scale of 1-10, how would you say you are at receiving in general? 

Most women I work with tell me they are terrible at it. If you’re wondering if that’s true for you, try asking yourself a few questions: 

  1. A friend gives you a compliment on your outfit; how do you respond?  Do you simply say “Thank you”? Do you dismiss it all together? Or, say thank you but then downplay it by saying it’s old or you got it on sale?

  2. Your friend gives you a gift for helping her with a project. How do you react? Do you simply say “thanks”? Or, do you go on about how they didn’t need to do that?
  3. A man offers to help you with something that is easy for you to do. How do you react?  Do you say, “Thank you, that would be nice.”? Or, do you say, “No, I’m fine, I’ve got it.”

How you reacted to the above questions tells you something about how much you are able to receive from others.  Many women I know struggle with this concept because they are more practiced at giving and taking care of others than they are at receiving. This continual giving actually drains us. Women are designed to receive.  

Let me explain.

A concept that many women are not aware of is the difference between masculine and feminine energies. Now this topic alone is big and I can’t explain all of it in this email, so for now, I’m just going to hit the main points. Stay with me….

At our core, we all have a predominant energy that is either masculine or feminine. Generally, women have feminine core energy and men have masculine core energy. (This is largely determined by the amount of the hormones testosterone or estrogen.)  This energy plays a major role in our lives and our relationships.

Masculine energy is all about action, giving, decision-making, and problem solving. Masculine energy is action and assertiveness.

Feminine energy is more about being, feeling, receiving, vulnerability, and openness. Feminine energy is more about being in the moment instead of doing.

While men and women need to be able to utilize both energies in their day-to-day life, romantic relationships need the polarity of masculine and feminine energy for there to be sparks of attraction. The mistake many women unknowingly make is showing up operating from their masculine energy (not your fault, and I’ll explain that more starting next week) instead of in a receiving [receptive] mode of feminine energy. If you can’t receive, he can’t provide. If he can’t provide (it doesn’t have to be money), he’s not needed. Men do not stay in relationships where they are not needed.

I also hear from women that men are intimidated by smart, successful women…. That’s not true either. It’s more about whether a man can see a place for himself in a woman’s life. Many women tell me men will say to them, “You don’t need me.” And they often hear that as a good thing instead of understanding that what he is saying is he doesn’t see a way to contribute to your life.  

If you don’t create space for him to provide something for you, a man will move on to where he’s needed and appreciated. If a woman is not receptive, the relationship cannot develop into a mutual giving and receiving.  Unfortunately, because of the way society currently operates, many of us have to work at learning to be receptive. 

This is a simple story, but it will illustrate my point. I’m a pretty independent woman and there’s not much I can’t do for myself. One Sunday, Bruce offered to carry the laundry basket to the laundry room for me. My first reaction internally was “Why?  I don’t need you to do that.” When I said, “No, I’ve got it,” he let out a BIG sigh and said “FINE!”  

Well, I was smart enough to know that wasn’t good. 

I quickly shifted gears and said, “Ya know, if you’d like to carry down the laundry that would be great.” Then something magical happened that I hadn’t noticed before. I noticed how it made him feel to ‘provide’ something for me that was helpful. He was happy and kind of all puffed up.  

Now I know this may sound silly to you, but it made him feel good, and that made me feel good. This goes back to the whole reason to bring out the best in your man. If he feels good about himself and the relationship, and he has a way to protect and provide for you, you get more of him. It’s a win-win. But it won’t happen if you can’t graciously receive his ‘gift.’ 

Which brings us to reinforce.

Again, what you water grows. I know this shows up in every tip, but there’s a reason. I can’t stress this enough. Thank him. Let him know you appreciate his efforts. What I have experienced in genuinely receiving the intention of his action is a desire to reciprocate his gift. If you can tell him what the impact was for you from what he provided, even better.

I know that for some of you this information about masculine and feminine is new, or you don’t feel like you fully understand it. I invite you to watch for my posts in the next few weeks as I’ll dive in and explain how these energies work and what polarity means to you.

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Asking Him For What You Need

We’re at the fourth tip in my series: 5 Ways to Bring Out the Best in a Man—Asking Him For What You Need. When a woman asks a man for what she needs, she is supporting tip 2 and tip 3 by showing him he’s needed and setting him up to win.

In the first weeks, I talked about the fact that men want to protect and provide for you. Given that rule of nature, if you don’t ask for what you need, men will give you what they think you need. Or, they’ll assume everything is okay and you don’t need anything.    

Many women don’t know how to ask men for what they want, or don’t think it’s OK to ask. For me, this was a difficult skill to master.  In my early years of dating and relationships, I so wanted to be accepted and loved I rarely asked for what I wanted or needed for fear that asking might upset him and he’d leave.  

But, not asking for what you want means you’ll most likely eventually resent him, and that leads to a lot of hurt feelings and conflict. So today, I thought I’d give some tips about how to ask for what you want.

When first dating, one of the important things women often don’t consider is how asking a man for what she needs reveals about him. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you set up tests to see how he reacts; what I’m saying is when you ask for something that makes you feel happy, safe, special, desired or taken care of, pay attention to how he responds. Does it feel good? Was he respectful or kind? Did you feel empowered, brushed off or put down? This information helps you to make decisions about whether or not this is the right relationship for you.  

If you’re already in a relationship (maybe even for years) it may take a little longer for him to hear you (your routine is already established), but change can and does happen.

To create the kind of situation that enables men to communicate fully, remember this:

1. Get clear about what you want.

Complaining is not asking. “The trash is overflowing and stinks!!” or “I have to do everything round here” might get women’s attention, but not men’s. They’re not stated as clear requests. Saying, “It would make me so happy if you’d take out the trash for me tonight after dinner” is a clear request, he knows he’ll get points by making you happy, and it has a timeframe built in. Can you clearly state what you want and why it’s important to you?

2. Create a good atmosphere.

Make sure it is a good time to ask a question or make a request. This means when he is not doing anything else (including things you don’t think are important). To check, you can ask, “Is this a good time to ask a question?” Don’t take it personally if he says no. Ask him when would be a good time to talk and try again at a later time.

3. Simply state what you want.

Don’t spend a lot of time on the front end trying to explain and justify what you’re asking for. Just ask, politely, for what you want. If you don’t ask for what you want because you’re afraid that you won’t get it, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, that may lead you to say you “don’t care” or “it’s not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you’ll resent not getting what you want or start to feel that he doesn’t care.

4. Make sure that you don’t have a “right answer” in mind.

If his answer will get him in trouble with you, he can tell this and is likely to avoid answering at all. Be open and willing to be surprised and learn something from him.

If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, most of the time you’re going to feel rejected and disappointed. And there’s no reason for this.

When you give him a chance to make you happy, he will likely do it—IF he knows how!

Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your dating, relationship, or marriage more fulfilling and happier for you both. 

 

 

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