Can you provide me with some examples of what vulnerability + being in your feminine look like on a first date and/or in the beginning when getting to know someone? I didn’t have this modeled growing up, so I’m still learning this new feminine way of being and what intimacy looks like. I also struggle with the difference between vulnerability and over-sharing in the beginning dating stages. Would love to know your thoughts!

Great question! Thanks for asking! Let’s take this question apart into 3 areas.

1. Being in your feminine
2. First dates, or the beginning.
3. Vulnerability and intimacy.

1.Being in your feminine

This is less about what you do, and more about where your energy is in your body at the time that you do it. I know that this might leave you with a screwed up expression on your face thinking, “What is she talking about?”, and that’s good!

The thing is, this whole post could be about feminine energy alone, and I’ll get into that more. For today, lets say it about being aware of, and feeling into your body. Your body has your answers and doesn’t lie. But as women, many of us have adapted to a masculine way of living and working that doesn’t work for us. (It does work for them.)

It has become very popular among others coaches to say, “Lean back and be in your feminine.” I don’t agree with that. Just stand still and be at home in yourself. Being in your feminine, in a powerful way, means to honor yourself first. Now this doesn’t mean only thinking of yourself, this means checking in with yourself first and being aware of how you FEEL about the choice before you. If you don’t respect and honor yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

2.First dates or in the beginning

Your relationship starts here. Whether it’s someone you continue to see or not, from the very beginning you are teaching them how to treat you. This is the part where many of my clients have resistance because it’s different than what we’re used to doing. The main message here is to slow down. You have time.

• If this is someone you are meeting online I don’t call it a date, I call it meeting someone. You’re having an initial meeting to see if there’s enough connection to go on a date.
• What we’re always looking for is how he reacts to you. Start with setting some boundaries up front. Let the man know that you only have 45 minutes to an hour to meet, and what your criteria is to feel safe physically and for social distancing. Give him some ideas and let him pick where.

Sherrie, a client of mine, met a man online. When it was time to meet she followed her plan and told him what she needed and why. He lived about 45 minutes from her and said no, he’d rather meet in the middle. She declined to meet him as he already was not willing to honor her request for safety. She kept her word to herself, and within 2 months she met a wonderful man and was married a year later. He adores her! Set yourself up to be cherished and protected by expressing what you need to feel safe. This is being vulnerable and strong.

Men react to women. So when you make requests, you get to see who he is and how he’ll treat you. Give them some guidance and set them up to win by making suggestions and letting them know what you like, or don’t like, but then let them decide.

3.Intimacy and vulnerability

John Gray, in his book, Mars and Venus on a Date, said it really well. Don’t show someone all of your warts at the beginning, it will most likely overwhelm them. But if you wait until they get to know you and share a bit at a time. It will not be a big deal. They need time to develop trust in who you are today. Many people get lulled into a false sense of premature intimacy because of the ‘connection’ they feel. Trust me that’s just your hormones talking.

In short, be at home in your body, express what you need to feel safe and to have fun, let him lead the direction and then just relax and be yourself.

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Send me your questions (any questions!) to janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and I will answer them here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

Thank you so very much for the questions you sent in. I love being given the chance to answer and support you.  Here’s a recent question.

What exactly does it mean to be seen?  In your last meeting this was the topic of discussion. Can you elaborate, or give examples of what that is or looks like, or feels like, as a woman, who is seen.  I have not had role models in my life to know.  Thanks for clarifying. 

Thank you sooo much for asking for clarity on this topic. It came from my Facebook live two weeks ago on this subject.  You can watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/relatedatemate/ 

A natural part of the feminine is to be understood and seen for who she is without needing to do anything. A woman in her feminine wants/desires healthy, loving attention and often.  

This is not a desire that comes from weakness, or a need to ‘get attention’ but a desire to grow. Healthy attention is like water and food; if we don’t get it we don’t grow, and when we stop growing, we die a bit inside. It’s that important. You can tell a woman who is seen by the people in her life by her vibrancy, her health, her skin, and her smile. She is energetically and emotionally well-fed and it shows. And when we don’t get healthy attention, that shows also.

Many of us have shut down this desire because of the negative or uncomfortable attention we may have received. We don’t feel safe, or we’ve gotten negative messages that you’re ‘too much,’ and it’s not right… it’s not politically correct to want to be seen.  

In a more tangible sense, being seen means showing up, not just physically, but energetically. It looks like setting boundaries and asking for what you want from life and those around you. It’s feeling pleasure in your life and your body and not apologizing for it if it makes others uncomfortable. 

In my work, it looks like me telling you more about me, not being afraid of whether you’ll like me or not if I tell you hard truths. In my relationship, it took a long time for me to be able to really own my ‘sexy’ that came from a place of pleasing me, not just him. And, with other women, it was learning not to fear being ‘too much’ so I’d be accepted.

So here’s something that may be hard to hear, but it’s what I see as one of the biggest problems in dating and relationships today. (Please always remember there is no judgment here as I have done almost all of the things I talk about wrong. I’ve been you.)  

Okay, here goes…we have a tendency to want to blame men for what they “do to us.” Every time I read or hear this it breaks my heart, because what I now know is: YOU HAVE THE POWER. You’ve had it all along. But because of biology and instincts that tell you to be nice so you’re accepted, and whatever baggage life and society has piled on you, we don’t speak up, we don’t show up. I get it, it’s not easy. For some of us it’s harder than for others. I’m one of those. (Let’s talk about anxious attachment, ugh!!!  More on that later.) But I’ve learned to do it differently by being committed to choosing what’s right for me. It’s a daily practice.  

Ladies, it’s about turning our light on and living in more pleasure as a woman. (Which is NOT about a certain way you need to look or act. It’s individually, uniquely your pleasure.) 

Here’s a couple of things I’d ask you to think about.

1. How do you feel about being ‘seen’? Are you so into giving or guarded that you can’t receive a man’s attention?  Does it make you feel uncomfortable?

2. Where do you shrink or hide? Whether it’s at work or in dating and relationships, where do you hold back because it feels too vulnerable or someone shamed you? (I shut down how I liked to dance because my ex thought it was too sexy. I like to move my hips.)

3. What happens to your body when you are doing something that brings you pleasure? Can you really be with it?

I encourage you to sit with these questions and be really honest with yourself.  Are you willing to:

• dress for yourself?
• say no to something you don’t want?
• say yes to something that you do want?
• say what you think and mean?
• express your thoughts and ideas?

Every shift in growth for us starts with an awareness of what we don’t like in our life. Where are you holding back when it comes to being seen?

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Send me your questions (any questions!) to janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and I will answer them here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

I was recently asked this question and I thought I would also answer it here as I feel many women may have this question.  

I am newly divorced after 24 years… I am and have always been the alpha type, which I feel puts me at a disadvantage. Men seem to find it intimidating. How do you feel you overcame this?

This is such a great question. 

For most of my life I worked in sales and was paid solely by commission. Basically, it was eat what you kill. Well, I tended to live my life that way and dated that way. If you see something you want, go get it!  After breaking up with a guy after another failed 2 year relationship, I decided to try something different. I decided to let him pursue me. I certainly didn’t do it perfectly, I had to work at it! But it was so much easier. I was so much more relaxed and unattached to the outcome. It felt sooo good.  

Before I met Bruce,  I was the one to set up dates, plan where we were going or what we were doing. I would cook for him and buy him things, massage his back… (Wouldn’t you like to date me?) I basically taught him he didn’t have to put out much effort to please me. Of course after awhile, I’d get tired of doing all the work and start to get mad. Now I see 3 ways how I set myself up for disappointment. 

1. I was being the MAN.

2. I also had a problem receiving what he did offer. I believed I had to do all of the giving so he’d like me.

3. I lacked information and role models. I really didn’t know better.

I now have a better understanding of what was going on and how to change it. It’s what I teach my clients–how to be in charge of you and come from a powerful, feminine place. It’s the juicy place where we get to sit back and get sweet attention from our man. It’s energetically calling forth the healthy masculine in a man. And, ladies, that is yummy!!!! 

I worked on myself and my worth and the ability to receive. I also learned a LOT! I hired a coach and I got mentors. I now understand what it means to be powerful and feminine. I look forward to the day that enough people understand this way of being in relationships that it’s the norm.

Oh BTW, men aren’t intimidated, they just don’t see any place for them to provide anything in your life.  If they can’t provide, they don’t have purpose.  If they don’t have purpose they fear they won’t be loved.

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I’d like to start offering this opportunity to you. Send me a question and I will answer it here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

Just email your questions–any questions–to me at: janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and watch for your answers the following week.

From my heart to yours!