I get this question, or some version of it, from women all of the time. There is so much confusion out there on roles and expectations. Who asks, who pays, do I call, should I wait…agh!! I know some coaches say, “Absolutely go after what you want!” Some say, “Lean back, let the man pursue you.” Some women say they’re old-fashioned and want the man to pursue them. And the man sits there with his head spinning not sure which way to go, trying to read your mind so he can make you happy.

So, should women lead when it comes to love? The short answer is, yes! But before you agree or click away, let me explain.

There is more than one way for you to lead when it comes to love. I’m going to share three tips on how you can effectively lead and bring out the masculine alpha man you desire to have in your life and your bed.

3. Lead by making requests.

It’s not so much what you say but how you say it. 

Women lead in love through suggestions and questions. It’s not from a place of weakness or being submissive (you’ll never agree to something you really don’t want to do) it’s from a place of presenting opportunity and letting him make you happy by doing something he knows you will like. If you’ve just started dating, you get to see what he will do, what action he will take. (This is where integrity comes in; there’s a fine line here between having everyone’s best interest at heart and manipulation.)

Let’s say you’re going to dinner and he asks where you would like to go. Give him 2-3 options that you would love and let him know you love it when he takes care of that decision. He gets to step in and provide something for you, he feels appreciated, his testosterone goes up, and everyone is happy. Never say, “I don’t care you choose,” unless you are truly willing to go anywhere. Otherwise, that’s sitting you both up to lose, and you already know that’s not being a good partner.

2. Lead by setting boundaries.

Boundaries start with knowing what’s okay and not okay for you, how you desire to be treated and/or touched.

I know smart, successful women that have a hard time doing this when it comes to love. Usually it’s one of two reasons. 1.) You are leading and doing everything! There’s no need for boundaries because he’s not in charge of anything. This typically leads to frustrated men that shut down or leave. Or, frustrated women because the men sit on the couch and don’t do anything. Sadly, the truth is we’ve taught them they don’t have to. 2.) For some, because of past experiences, we can be so smart and successful in the rest of our lives, but it can be difficult to set a boundary when it comes to love. We can’t get what we really want and need out of our mouth.

The first place to start is getting really clear on your boundaries. The second is practicing saying them even if it’s messy. I had a client who was asked out by a man she really wanted to meet, but it was on the night before a big presentation at work. She was hesitant to meet him, but it had been so hard for them to find a mutual time she really wanted to go. We discussed what time she would need to be home in order to meet him and still feel prepared for the next day, and how she would tell him in advance. She felt so much more relaxed and confident being able to say, “I’d love to meet you for a drink. I just need to be home by 7:30, so I’m ready for my presentation tomorrow.” She was thrilled when he was not only agreeable, but thanked her for letting him know.

1. Lead by being vulnerable.

This looks like asking for what you need. Telling him how you feel, how he makes you feel, how what he did (good or bad) made you feel.

Speaking up when you’re angry, sad, frustrated, happy, horny or excited We may want men to lead the direction of the relationship, but women lead the depth. Emotional depth is more of our wheelhouse.

When we open up about our feelings, it takes a man out of most of his thoughts, from being in his head, and helps him to connect to the emotions in his body. Yep, that’s right, many men don’t do that easily. It’s one of the things that men love about women and look for in a woman. Does she get him out of his “thinking” and into his “emotions.”

I can personally tell you this works. I’m writing to you today on the 12th anniversary of my first date with Bruce. I learned to quit leading by ‘doing’ everything and started leading by requests, asking what he thought, and being vulnerable by setting boundaries and sharing my feelings. The funny thing is, all of the while I felt more in control of me while dating than I ever had in my whole dating life.

Because I was in control of myself without trying to control everything else. That’s the real secret to leading in love.

I’m certainly not perfect at this, but I’m aware of showing up as a leader in our relationship on a daily basis. When I fail, I’m vulnerable and apologize. That’s me doing my part by being a leader in sustaining our partnership.

You see, ladies, you really don’t need a man that has this level of emotional awareness and depth… just one that will participate and follow your lead when invited.

When it comes to love and relationships, the #1 thing we all want is to be able to feel safe and secure in our relationship. We want to be able to trust that the other person will never hurt us.  

Several years ago, at the end of a date, I had invited the gentleman back to my place. We were on the couch making out (I was very physically attracted to him). As men will do, he was trying to “move the evening along.” And, while I was interested, something inside me made me stop and look at him and say, “I don’t know if I can trust you.” He in turn looked me straight in the eye and said, “Then what am I doing here in your house?”

It wasn’t just a light bulb that went on; it was more like the bright, glaring sun after being in a dark room all day, and, metaphorically getting smacked between the eyes by a 2 x 4. All of a sudden it hit me. I had a habit of placing the responsibility of not hurting me on the men I dated! I was making them responsible for protecting my feelings.

In that moment, I got that my heart, my safety, was my responsibility. For some reason, I had thought I could go through life and others would take care of my feelings! It was their fault if I got hurt.

Until that moment, I didn’t even know I thought that. I thought I had good boundaries and was a strong independent woman and in many ways I was.  But, I didn’t really know how to trust. So I, (this word is still hard to swallow for me) was unknowingly being a victim. I was giving up my power.

I often hear from women, “How can I trust again.” Or, “How do I know if I can trust him?”

What I now know is in order to be able to trust others, you have to be able to trust yourself first.  

First, let me explain a little bit about what I mean by trusting yourself first. I needed to trust that I would speak up for myself. By this point I knew about boundaries and what mine were. I just wasn’t good at saying them. This often left me beating myself up because I did it again.  I needed to trust myself not to deny red flags when I saw them. I often stayed way too long. I also needed to know that I trusted myself to leave a relationship when I knew it wasn’t right for me. Let me put it another way: I needed to know that I would make good decisions and protect my heart as well as my mind and body. Instead I often was crying to my girlfriends, “Look what he did to me!”   

What happens when you can trust yourself? It frees you up to meet the man in front of you instead of projecting the responsibility of your previous wounds on him. It gives you confidence to be yourself. In other words, don’t judge every man you meet by what the previous man did.

And, when you meet that right man because you have the confidence to trust yourself, and really give him a chance, it creates safety for the man in your life, and he relaxes and opens up more emotionally.

So the next time you’re with a man and find yourself wondering if you can trust him, check in with yourself first and ask this question: Do I trust myself to take care of my heart?

I woke up with this message this morning and I wanted to share it with you. 

To all of the amazing women in the world. The time has come for women to claim their true power and contribute to the world in a way that we haven’t seen in centuries, maybe never. 

Ladies, when it comes to love and relationships, you have always had the power. Women are the Holy Grail that men seek. Men need our light, our softness, our sensuousness, to experience the world in a way that is different than they see it. 

For over 50 years, in an effort to break out of stereotypes and take our place at the table, we have rallied around the thought that men are bad and women are good. I get it, I was part of it. And, after decades of beating them down, we now have a world of disempowered men that are shut down and angry. What if you knew that it was men’s soul purpose to protect and provide for those in his “circle of love”? And yet, for decades they have been told that we don’t need them. They are only wanted, not needed. When men have to defend themselves from us they cannot be in a place to cherish and protect us. 

Look around at the power you have. We are the creators. Look at what we have created. Is this the world you want to live in?

Ladies, my message to you today is, you have it within you to change this. YOU ALREADY HAVE THE POWER.  But we can’t bring balance to our world without empowering men.

Did that scare some of you?  Did you stop breathing for a second at the thought of going back to what it has been?  A world where we were not safe?  I feel you.  

Ladies, this is about going forward with love. What would it be like to live among more empowered men? Men that can be our partners at work and at home.  

Ladies, you have that light in you that will welcome them in and show them the way. It is up to us to lead with love, compassion, and so important… boundaries.  

The opportunity we face is that many of us are disconnected from our light. We have lived and competed in the masculine world for so long we either don’t know we have a light, or have lost the connection to turn it on.  

Imagine for a minute, thousands of women with their internal, energetic ‘love light’ turned on acting as thousands of lighthouses calling men to the safety of home. Where we are all safe and loved. Where men can feel needed again and have purpose again. Where they now know how to stand by our side to change the world together. We don’t have to do it alone.

Now some of you may say, ugh!, just more that women have to do. Well, the one that leads is the one that knows the way. You know the way.  

Ladies, it is time for change. You hold the power. It’s just you. It’s your light. I want to help you find it again and turn your ‘love light’ back on or turn up the wattage to bring the love you have always wanted into your life and guide us into a better, more loving world.  

Will you join me in changing the world? 

If this resonates with you and you want more, or if it irks you and you want to have a dialog, I welcome both.  

I want to invite you to join me in my private Facebook Group, Relate, Date and Mate – where I will be talking about this topic more and we can privately explore it together.   Just click the link above and join me and the other ladies for support and conversation. 

We’re at the fourth tip in my series: 5 Ways to Bring Out the Best in a Man—Asking Him For What You Need. When a woman asks a man for what she needs, she is supporting tip 2 and tip 3 by showing him he’s needed and setting him up to win.

In the first weeks, I talked about the fact that men want to protect and provide for you. Given that rule of nature, if you don’t ask for what you need, men will give you what they think you need. Or, they’ll assume everything is okay and you don’t need anything.    

Many women don’t know how to ask men for what they want, or don’t think it’s OK to ask. For me, this was a difficult skill to master.  In my early years of dating and relationships, I so wanted to be accepted and loved I rarely asked for what I wanted or needed for fear that asking might upset him and he’d leave.  

But, not asking for what you want means you’ll most likely eventually resent him, and that leads to a lot of hurt feelings and conflict. So today, I thought I’d give some tips about how to ask for what you want.

When first dating, one of the important things women often don’t consider is how asking a man for what she needs reveals about him. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you set up tests to see how he reacts; what I’m saying is when you ask for something that makes you feel happy, safe, special, desired or taken care of, pay attention to how he responds. Does it feel good? Was he respectful or kind? Did you feel empowered, brushed off or put down? This information helps you to make decisions about whether or not this is the right relationship for you.  

If you’re already in a relationship (maybe even for years) it may take a little longer for him to hear you (your routine is already established), but change can and does happen.

To create the kind of situation that enables men to communicate fully, remember this:

1. Get clear about what you want.

Complaining is not asking. “The trash is overflowing and stinks!!” or “I have to do everything round here” might get women’s attention, but not men’s. They’re not stated as clear requests. Saying, “It would make me so happy if you’d take out the trash for me tonight after dinner” is a clear request, he knows he’ll get points by making you happy, and it has a timeframe built in. Can you clearly state what you want and why it’s important to you?

2. Create a good atmosphere.

Make sure it is a good time to ask a question or make a request. This means when he is not doing anything else (including things you don’t think are important). To check, you can ask, “Is this a good time to ask a question?” Don’t take it personally if he says no. Ask him when would be a good time to talk and try again at a later time.

3. Simply state what you want.

Don’t spend a lot of time on the front end trying to explain and justify what you’re asking for. Just ask, politely, for what you want. If you don’t ask for what you want because you’re afraid that you won’t get it, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, that may lead you to say you “don’t care” or “it’s not important” or just be silent, when the truth is you’ll resent not getting what you want or start to feel that he doesn’t care.

4. Make sure that you don’t have a “right answer” in mind.

If his answer will get him in trouble with you, he can tell this and is likely to avoid answering at all. Be open and willing to be surprised and learn something from him.

If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, most of the time you’re going to feel rejected and disappointed. And there’s no reason for this.

When you give him a chance to make you happy, he will likely do it—IF he knows how!

Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your dating, relationship, or marriage more fulfilling and happier for you both.