April 9, 2021

How to Attract the Love You Want by Creating Desire

by Janet Tingwald in Dating, Relationship

Mary is a successful woman. She has a lot going for her. She is an entrepreneur with her own company, has a good education, earns plenty of money, has great friends, and is proud of her independence. She’s worked hard to get to this position. 

Bob is also successful. He’s a partner in a company with a degree in finance and accounting. He met Mary through an introduction by a mutual friend. He took her on a date and they hit it off; both of them could feel the chemistry. Bob was instantly attracted by Mary’s mix of physical beauty and intellect. They shared their passion for business, music and college sports. It was easy to be together. And yet…something about Mary didn’t sit quite right with Bob. 

It was the way she talked about relationships. She often made a point of talking about how she “didn’t need a man for anything.” She was nice to him, but seemed to feel uneasy about letting him go out of his way to help her. She didn’t like holding hands on the street. She felt conflicted about being too vulnerable or “feminine,” or letting him pay for their dates.

Bob loved Mary’s independence and success, but he was starting to feel unappreciated. His efforts to impress or take care of her were often brushed off or seemed to go unnoticed. He knew this woman was amazing, but she didn’t make him feel like an amazing part of her life. He knew Mary respected him, but he never felt like she ADMIRED him. His attraction lessened as he got the feeling that he wasn’t the kind of man Mary needed…maybe Mary didn’t want a man at all. At least that’s what it felt like to Bob. 

So, full disclosure, Bob and Mary are fictitious names, but the story is true. It’s made up of what I hear from both men and women. Mary is the successful woman that wants to show how strong and independent she is and how much she “doesn’t need a man”, and Bob, who was truly attracted to her strength, independence, and passion for her life, just wants to feel needed and appreciated and to be part of her life, ends up feeling neglected and unappreciated.

There is a belief that has been ingrained in many women from the time we were little, that being independent meant things like:

  • never asking a man for help;
  • never allowing a man to do you a favor;
  • never feeling comfortable praising a guy for what he brings to the relationship; and
  • never letting him feel “needed.”

Many of us have misunderstood how being INDEPENDENT in this way makes a man feel unimportant. We are so set on proving we can make it all on our own, that we forget that men need to feel special and appreciated too. 

There’s a different dance here between showing independence and making a man feel good in your presence.

What I now know is a romantic relationship is not about competition or proving your independence, real strength is being vulnerable enough to receive the help and support he wants to give you and making him feel special and appreciated while showing that you’re not needy. You will be the incredible woman in his eyes who makes him feel like even MORE of a man in her presence.     

The Thing About Men

Every man has an ego. Some are bigger than others, but all guys have them. Even those nice guys that are absolute sweethearts. They have egos too. And any great guy with self-esteem, needs to feel important on some level. 

I’m not talking about flattery, or being insincere or inauthentic about how you can’t live without him – I mean REAL appreciation and interest in his best qualities. 

Men need to feel like a winner around you. Period. No matter who they are, a guy is happiest around a woman who makes him feel his best, or who inspires him to become his best. 

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her. 

So, how do you do that?

Here’s how:

1.  Show interest in his goals and ambitions

…and believe in his ability to get what he wants but also be sure to let him know of any big goals of your own.

2.  Give validation when he does something thoughtful.

If he makes an effort, buys you a gift, or plans an incredible day for you, show him hints of your enthusiasm and enjoyment (e.g. tell him, “That’s so thoughtful, I love it!” Or if he tells you he just made a reservation at an amazing restaurant, say “I’m excited!”).

3.  Return a compliment.

If he compliments you, say thank you, wait for a while, and then later give him a compliment in return. The trick with this is to keep the compliment subtle and low-key (e.g. tell him he has kind eyes, or nice dimples) or else it will seem like you’re over-praising him, which removes any challenge.

4.  Allow him to do something helpful for you.

Guys love to perform acts of service for women. If he wants to carry your heavy bags, bring over hot soup and painkillers when you’re sick, or drive you home even though it’s 20 minutes out of his way, allow him to help and give him the chance to come to your rescue.

5.  Give him a chance to shine in front of you.

Give him some little compliments or brag about him in front of others. Keep it small and sincere. This isn’t about inflating his ego, it’s not even about what the other people think, it’s about making him feel special and appreciated by you, showing him that is how you see him.

I need to mention one small caveat. This only works when he is showing interest and investment in you as well. Follow his lead here. Otherwise, you’ll be boosting his ego and teaching him he doesn’t have to make any effort.  

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her.

I invite you to give these tips a try and see what happens. Small changes, even 5%, can significantly change your impact and outcome.

I’d love to hear how it goes!