October 31, 2020

How to Avoid the 3-Month Heartbreak Hump

by Janet Tingwald in Dating, Internet Dating

In the last few weeks here and on my Facebook lives, we have covered where to meet men, how to not let the time you spend on dating sites consume your life, and how to move things from a wink to a date.

I’m guessing each of you that watched the Facebook lives identified with one of the stages. One of the last stages of things-gone-wrong that clients come to me for tends to show up after about 3-4 months of seeing someone.

You met, things seem to be going great, and then it ends. For some, this becomes a pattern, and that’s why I called this getting over the 3-4 month heartbreak hump.

I want to give you some pointers of things you can do to keep this from happening.

First of all, it just takes time to get to know someone…like 3-4 months.

Let’s say you love playing golf, but you’re a casual golfer, he’s a serious golfer…very serious. He takes the game so seriously and gets so upset if he doesn’t do well that it’s so uncomfortable and obnoxious that you wouldn’t want to play with him. You need to verify the information and gain experience and knowledge that your requirements are going to be met before getting involved.

When you’re seeing someone exclusively, you want to pay attention to what he does, not what he says. You want to experience your requirements being met and that this is the person you can build a loving partnership with. You want to determine if the information you have been given so far is real, or not. If his words and actions align, this will go a long way in establishing trust between you.

Where We Get in Trouble

This is where we tend to get in trouble There are 2 possibilities that may be going on. I call them screening-in and screening-out.

Let’s look at screening-in first. So, I’ll admit this was my pattern. I made excuses for their behavior: they’re just busy, they’re having an off day. I gave them too many second chances and the benefit of the doubt. I learned that this pattern was tied to a scarcity mindset. My limiting beliefs told me that I needed to stay because he was probably as good as it gets or, worse, as good as I was going to get. (This is why I got married to the man I did.) I searched for ways the relationship could work and ignored what really didn’t work.

Now let’s look at the other pattern… screening-out.

Screening-out is when you look for everything that is wrong with them… with a microscope. Any little thing they do is a red flag in your mind. Being this hyper-vigilant is normally a protective response. You’re afraid of being rejected or hurt, so you reject them first. The hard part is, in your mind, it can seem reasonable and logical. I work with women to get really clear on their requirements and boundaries so they can know that fear isn’t making their choices for them.

Yes, it can sound like an audition or an interview, but it’s really just being honest with yourself.

How to Avoid Heartbreak Hump

I encourage you to learn to use your experiences of what he does to make sure you’re not trying too hard to make something work or saying no too quickly because you’re afraid of getting hurt. This normally only takes a few dates.

I promise you, when you take the time to use these tools as you move through the phases of dating, you will greatly increase your chances of finding a good fit for a lasting partnership.

You can catch these tips and more from my
Facebook Live (broadcast on October 1st) HERE.

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