June 10, 2020

Set Him Up to Win

by Janet Tingwald in Dating, Relationship

Our next topic in How to Bring Out the Best in a Man is how to set him up to win. One of the first and most important things to understand is that when he wins, you win. When he feels good about himself and the relationship, he will want to connect and provide what you want.

Let’s go a little deeper in the male psyche.

We already talked about how men naturally want to protect and provide for you. It is also in men’s nature to play for points. They play to win. (It’s part of their ‘hunter’ mentality.) For men, failure is equal to shame. When they continuously fail to win with you (make you happy), they experience shame.

One of the things I did when I started dating Bruce was make it easy for him to know that it was safe to take the next step, to continue his pursuit. I did this by letting him know what I liked and thanking him for the efforts I saw him make—doing what he said he would do or picking a restaurant I enjoyed. (By the way, this was very different behavior for me.) 

Today, almost 12 years later, I still make a point to notice and appreciate what he does and what makes me happy. 

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and he came to me a few days ahead and told me he was stressing about what he should do for my special day. Like every year, I smiled inside and told him what would make me happy; he relaxed and made it happen. I was very appreciative. Do you think he’ll want to do that again? Of course! By knowing what I wanted and telling him, I won and so did he.

Let me break this down into 5 easy points to remember.

  1. Assume innocence. Assume he wants to please you. 
  2. Tell him what you need/desire. Don’t expect him to read your mind.  You have to have spent some time diving deep into yourself to know this. 
  3. Make space for his masculine energy. Relationships need polarity. Step into your feminine and let him take the part of leading direction and action. You lead depth and intimacy. 
  4. Lead with receptivity. Can you receive what he wants to provide? 
  5. Support him; what you water, grows.  Notice what he does: “It makes me so happy when you do_____.”  Rather than thinking, or saying, “It’s about time you got that done,” try, “When you trimmed the border out front that made me sooo happy.  It looks so nice.”

It may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice the easier it will become.