Bring Out the Best in a Man

Tag: Bring Out the Best in a Man

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How to Attract the Love You Want by Creating Desire

Mary is a successful woman. She has a lot going for her. She is an entrepreneur with her own company, has a good education, earns plenty of money, has great friends, and is proud of her independence. She’s worked hard to get to this position. 

Bob is also successful. He’s a partner in a company with a degree in finance and accounting. He met Mary through an introduction by a mutual friend. He took her on a date and they hit it off; both of them could feel the chemistry. Bob was instantly attracted by Mary’s mix of physical beauty and intellect. They shared their passion for business, music and college sports. It was easy to be together. And yet…something about Mary didn’t sit quite right with Bob. 

It was the way she talked about relationships. She often made a point of talking about how she “didn’t need a man for anything.” She was nice to him, but seemed to feel uneasy about letting him go out of his way to help her. She didn’t like holding hands on the street. She felt conflicted about being too vulnerable or “feminine,” or letting him pay for their dates.

Bob loved Mary’s independence and success, but he was starting to feel unappreciated. His efforts to impress or take care of her were often brushed off or seemed to go unnoticed. He knew this woman was amazing, but she didn’t make him feel like an amazing part of her life. He knew Mary respected him, but he never felt like she ADMIRED him. His attraction lessened as he got the feeling that he wasn’t the kind of man Mary needed…maybe Mary didn’t want a man at all. At least that’s what it felt like to Bob. 

So, full disclosure, Bob and Mary are fictitious names, but the story is true. It’s made up of what I hear from both men and women. Mary is the successful woman that wants to show how strong and independent she is and how much she “doesn’t need a man”, and Bob, who was truly attracted to her strength, independence, and passion for her life, just wants to feel needed and appreciated and to be part of her life, ends up feeling neglected and unappreciated.

There is a belief that has been ingrained in many women from the time we were little, that being independent meant things like:

  • never asking a man for help;
  • never allowing a man to do you a favor;
  • never feeling comfortable praising a guy for what he brings to the relationship; and
  • never letting him feel “needed.”

Many of us have misunderstood how being INDEPENDENT in this way makes a man feel unimportant. We are so set on proving we can make it all on our own, that we forget that men need to feel special and appreciated too. 

There’s a different dance here between showing independence and making a man feel good in your presence.

What I now know is a romantic relationship is not about competition or proving your independence, real strength is being vulnerable enough to receive the help and support he wants to give you and making him feel special and appreciated while showing that you’re not needy. You will be the incredible woman in his eyes who makes him feel like even MORE of a man in her presence.     

The Thing About Men

Every man has an ego. Some are bigger than others, but all guys have them. Even those nice guys that are absolute sweethearts. They have egos too. And any great guy with self-esteem, needs to feel important on some level. 

I’m not talking about flattery, or being insincere or inauthentic about how you can’t live without him – I mean REAL appreciation and interest in his best qualities. 

Men need to feel like a winner around you. Period. No matter who they are, a guy is happiest around a woman who makes him feel his best, or who inspires him to become his best. 

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her. 

So, how do you do that?

Here’s how:

1.  Show interest in his goals and ambitions

…and believe in his ability to get what he wants but also be sure to let him know of any big goals of your own.

2.  Give validation when he does something thoughtful.

If he makes an effort, buys you a gift, or plans an incredible day for you, show him hints of your enthusiasm and enjoyment (e.g. tell him, “That’s so thoughtful, I love it!” Or if he tells you he just made a reservation at an amazing restaurant, say “I’m excited!”).

3.  Return a compliment.

If he compliments you, say thank you, wait for a while, and then later give him a compliment in return. The trick with this is to keep the compliment subtle and low-key (e.g. tell him he has kind eyes, or nice dimples) or else it will seem like you’re over-praising him, which removes any challenge.

4.  Allow him to do something helpful for you.

Guys love to perform acts of service for women. If he wants to carry your heavy bags, bring over hot soup and painkillers when you’re sick, or drive you home even though it’s 20 minutes out of his way, allow him to help and give him the chance to come to your rescue.

5.  Give him a chance to shine in front of you.

Give him some little compliments or brag about him in front of others. Keep it small and sincere. This isn’t about inflating his ego, it’s not even about what the other people think, it’s about making him feel special and appreciated by you, showing him that is how you see him.

I need to mention one small caveat. This only works when he is showing interest and investment in you as well. Follow his lead here. Otherwise, you’ll be boosting his ego and teaching him he doesn’t have to make any effort.  

Guys want to be with an incredible, independent, admirable woman, who sees him as an equally incredible man. They want the “amazing partner” who knows at the same time how to make him feel like a winner and desirable around her.

I invite you to give these tips a try and see what happens. Small changes, even 5%, can significantly change your impact and outcome.

I’d love to hear how it goes!

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Receive and Reinforce

Receive and Reinforce–this is the 5th tip and the last in the series: 5 Ways to Bring out the Best in a Man.

In the previous tips I’ve talked about how it is in men’s nature to want to protect and provide for the people that are important in their lives. In order for this to work, we need to be able to receive what they offer. Think about this: nothing can be given if it is not first received.

Ladies, on a scale of 1-10, how would you say you are at receiving in general? 

Most women I work with tell me they are terrible at it. If you’re wondering if that’s true for you, try asking yourself a few questions: 

  1. A friend gives you a compliment on your outfit; how do you respond?  Do you simply say “Thank you”? Do you dismiss it all together? Or, say thank you but then downplay it by saying it’s old or you got it on sale?

  2. Your friend gives you a gift for helping her with a project. How do you react? Do you simply say “thanks”? Or, do you go on about how they didn’t need to do that?
  3. A man offers to help you with something that is easy for you to do. How do you react?  Do you say, “Thank you, that would be nice.”? Or, do you say, “No, I’m fine, I’ve got it.”

How you reacted to the above questions tells you something about how much you are able to receive from others.  Many women I know struggle with this concept because they are more practiced at giving and taking care of others than they are at receiving. This continual giving actually drains us. Women are designed to receive.  

Let me explain.

A concept that many women are not aware of is the difference between masculine and feminine energies. Now this topic alone is big and I can’t explain all of it in this email, so for now, I’m just going to hit the main points. Stay with me….

At our core, we all have a predominant energy that is either masculine or feminine. Generally, women have feminine core energy and men have masculine core energy. (This is largely determined by the amount of the hormones testosterone or estrogen.)  This energy plays a major role in our lives and our relationships.

Masculine energy is all about action, giving, decision-making, and problem solving. Masculine energy is action and assertiveness.

Feminine energy is more about being, feeling, receiving, vulnerability, and openness. Feminine energy is more about being in the moment instead of doing.

While men and women need to be able to utilize both energies in their day-to-day life, romantic relationships need the polarity of masculine and feminine energy for there to be sparks of attraction. The mistake many women unknowingly make is showing up operating from their masculine energy (not your fault, and I’ll explain that more starting next week) instead of in a receiving [receptive] mode of feminine energy. If you can’t receive, he can’t provide. If he can’t provide (it doesn’t have to be money), he’s not needed. Men do not stay in relationships where they are not needed.

I also hear from women that men are intimidated by smart, successful women…. That’s not true either. It’s more about whether a man can see a place for himself in a woman’s life. Many women tell me men will say to them, “You don’t need me.” And they often hear that as a good thing instead of understanding that what he is saying is he doesn’t see a way to contribute to your life.  

If you don’t create space for him to provide something for you, a man will move on to where he’s needed and appreciated. If a woman is not receptive, the relationship cannot develop into a mutual giving and receiving.  Unfortunately, because of the way society currently operates, many of us have to work at learning to be receptive. 

This is a simple story, but it will illustrate my point. I’m a pretty independent woman and there’s not much I can’t do for myself. One Sunday, Bruce offered to carry the laundry basket to the laundry room for me. My first reaction internally was “Why?  I don’t need you to do that.” When I said, “No, I’ve got it,” he let out a BIG sigh and said “FINE!”  

Well, I was smart enough to know that wasn’t good. 

I quickly shifted gears and said, “Ya know, if you’d like to carry down the laundry that would be great.” Then something magical happened that I hadn’t noticed before. I noticed how it made him feel to ‘provide’ something for me that was helpful. He was happy and kind of all puffed up.  

Now I know this may sound silly to you, but it made him feel good, and that made me feel good. This goes back to the whole reason to bring out the best in your man. If he feels good about himself and the relationship, and he has a way to protect and provide for you, you get more of him. It’s a win-win. But it won’t happen if you can’t graciously receive his ‘gift.’ 

Which brings us to reinforce.

Again, what you water grows. I know this shows up in every tip, but there’s a reason. I can’t stress this enough. Thank him. Let him know you appreciate his efforts. What I have experienced in genuinely receiving the intention of his action is a desire to reciprocate his gift. If you can tell him what the impact was for you from what he provided, even better.

I know that for some of you this information about masculine and feminine is new, or you don’t feel like you fully understand it. I invite you to watch for my posts in the next few weeks as I’ll dive in and explain how these energies work and what polarity means to you.

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Set Him Up to Win

Our next topic in How to Bring Out the Best in a Man is how to set him up to win. One of the first and most important things to understand is that when he wins, you win. When he feels good about himself and the relationship, he will want to connect and provide what you want.

Let’s go a little deeper in the male psyche.

We already talked about how men naturally want to protect and provide for you. It is also in men’s nature to play for points. They play to win. (It’s part of their ‘hunter’ mentality.) For men, failure is equal to shame. When they continuously fail to win with you (make you happy), they experience shame.

One of the things I did when I started dating Bruce was make it easy for him to know that it was safe to take the next step, to continue his pursuit. I did this by letting him know what I liked and thanking him for the efforts I saw him make—doing what he said he would do or picking a restaurant I enjoyed. (By the way, this was very different behavior for me.) 

Today, almost 12 years later, I still make a point to notice and appreciate what he does and what makes me happy. 

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and he came to me a few days ahead and told me he was stressing about what he should do for my special day. Like every year, I smiled inside and told him what would make me happy; he relaxed and made it happen. I was very appreciative. Do you think he’ll want to do that again? Of course! By knowing what I wanted and telling him, I won and so did he.

Let me break this down into 5 easy points to remember.

  1. Assume innocence. Assume he wants to please you. 
  2. Tell him what you need/desire. Don’t expect him to read your mind.  You have to have spent some time diving deep into yourself to know this. 
  3. Make space for his masculine energy. Relationships need polarity. Step into your feminine and let him take the part of leading direction and action. You lead depth and intimacy. 
  4. Lead with receptivity. Can you receive what he wants to provide? 
  5. Support him; what you water, grows.  Notice what he does: “It makes me so happy when you do_____.”  Rather than thinking, or saying, “It’s about time you got that done,” try, “When you trimmed the border out front that made me sooo happy.  It looks so nice.”

It may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice the easier it will become.