August 28, 2020

What does being vulnerable and feminine look like in the beginning of dating?

by Janet Tingwald in Ask Janet, Feminine Energy

Can you provide me with some examples of what vulnerability + being in your feminine look like on a first date and/or in the beginning when getting to know someone? I didn’t have this modeled growing up, so I’m still learning this new feminine way of being and what intimacy looks like. I also struggle with the difference between vulnerability and over-sharing in the beginning dating stages. Would love to know your thoughts!

Great question! Thanks for asking! Let’s take this question apart into 3 areas.

  1. Being in your feminine
  2. First dates, or the beginning.
  3. Vulnerability and intimacy.

1.Being in your feminine

This is less about what you do, and more about where your energy is in your body at the time that you do it. I know that this might leave you with a screwed up expression on your face thinking, “What is she talking about?”, and that’s good!

The thing is, this whole post could be about feminine energy alone, and I’ll get into that more. For today, lets say it about being aware of, and feeling into your body. Your body has your answers and doesn’t lie. But as women, many of us have adapted to a masculine way of living and working that doesn’t work for us. (It does work for them.)

It has become very popular among others coaches to say, “Lean back and be in your feminine.” I don’t agree with that. Just stand still and be at home in yourself. Being in your feminine, in a powerful way, means to honor yourself first. Now this doesn’t mean only thinking of yourself, this means checking in with yourself first and being aware of how you FEEL about the choice before you. If you don’t respect and honor yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

2.First dates or in the beginning

Your relationship starts here. Whether it’s someone you continue to see or not, from the very beginning you are teaching them how to treat you. This is the part where many of my clients have resistance because it’s different than what we’re used to doing. The main message here is to slow down. You have time.

  • If this is someone you are meeting online I don’t call it a date, I call it meeting someone. You’re having an initial meeting to see if there’s enough connection to go on a date.
  • What we’re always looking for is how he reacts to you. Start with setting some boundaries up front. Let the man know that you only have 45 minutes to an hour to meet, and what your criteria is to feel safe physically and for social distancing. Give him some ideas and let him pick where.

Sherrie, a client of mine, met a man online. When it was time to meet she followed her plan and told him what she needed and why. He lived about 45 minutes from her and said no, he’d rather meet in the middle. She declined to meet him as he already was not willing to honor her request for safety. She kept her word to herself, and within 2 months she met a wonderful man and was married a year later. He adores her! Set yourself up to be cherished and protected by expressing what you need to feel safe. This is being vulnerable and strong.

Men react to women. So when you make requests, you get to see who he is and how he’ll treat you. Give them some guidance and set them up to win by making suggestions and letting them know what you like, or don’t like, but then let them decide.

3.Intimacy and vulnerability

John Gray, in his book, Mars and Venus on a Date, said it really well. Don’t show someone all of your warts at the beginning, it will most likely overwhelm them. But if you wait until they get to know you and share a bit at a time. It will not be a big deal. They need time to develop trust in who you are today. Many people get lulled into a false sense of premature intimacy because of the ‘connection’ they feel. Trust me that’s just your hormones talking.

In short, be at home in your body, express what you need to feel safe and to have fun, let him lead the direction and then just relax and be yourself.

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Send me your questions (any questions!) to janet@RealityBasedRomance.com and I will answer them here twice a month. And not to worry, I won’t use your name and will keep it anonymous.

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