December 26, 2020

Why is Dating so Hard?

by Janet Tingwald in Dating, Internet Dating

What Biology, Baggage and Energy have to do with making dating hard.

The truth is dating today is hard, and the challenges of a global pandemic haven’t made it any easier to meet someone new. However, there is one thing I know for sure. Finding love is even more important now than it has ever been. As a result of what we have experienced this past year, many women (and men) have realized how much they miss the companionship and love that a relationship gives us.  

Perhaps this is true for you too! AND I want to help. I want to do everything I can to help  you make that happen for you! (I’m talking about love with the kind of man you admire, respect and trust who loves, cherishes and adores you.) Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

So many women I talk to want to know how to meet quality men or what to say or text, what does it mean if he does certain things, like backing away. While that can be a part of it, there’s much more that goes into finding and keeping a loving relationship that most don’t take into account.

Today I’d like to share 3 things with you that aren’t often talked about but have a huge impact on how you date and who you choose to date. (This is the part about following your heart and taking your head with you.)

They are biology, baggage and energy. 


Learning about how our hormones create chemicals that create attraction and how our reptilian brain wants you to be safe was a game changer for me. There isn’t any consideration for if you’re compatible or not, just to procreate and stay safe.  

This urge, or drive can be very powerful, and hard to manage for some.  In her book, Why We Love, Dr Helen Fisher writes, “romantic love is an urge, a want, a need—a primordial mating drive that can be, at times, more powerful than hunger.”

Her research showed that romantic love releases dopamine in the brain similar to people who use cocaine or opiates. Is it any wonder that when we’re ‘in love’, we show the same symptoms as an addict: tolerance, withdrawal, relapse.

Knowing this helped me to slow down the dating process, especially in the early stages, and see it more for what it was.. a physiological reaction, not love. I learned to manage these emotions and make better decisions. One of the biggest ones for me was oxytocin, the bonding hormone that’s released with kissing and even more with sex. Yes, that’s why it’s so hard to walk away from the guy that’s not right but the sex is great. Your thought process is being greatly influenced by oxytocin.  

And, our next one…


A guy I knew once said to me that we all have baggage. He believed that you should be able to identify your own on a baggage carousel and fit it in an overhead compartment. I always thought that was a brilliant analogy for emotional baggage—from things that happened to us in childhood that contributed to picking the wrong guy, or the unavailable one, over and over that just added evidence that you weren’t good enough or all men are jerks.

If you have a pattern with the wrong guys, find someone that can help you to ‘identify and unpack’ your baggage. When you can own it, you can change it, and change your future. I’ve seen the truth of this many times in my coaching practice: when women see their patterns, they can learn to choose differently and create lasting love.

And, if you have baggage it may be affecting your energy. Which leads me to our next part…


What does your presence, your energy say?

Our energetic presence sends a message to men that they pick up on,  maybe not consciously, but they do sense it. 

 What message are you sending?

  1. Go ahead…take advantage of me, I have no boundaries.
  2. Danger!  I’m prickly.
  3. I’m shut down and closed up.
  4. I’m a better man than you are.
  5. I’m open and receptive.

So the next time you’re frustrated with the guy you’re seeing or if you’re not meeting the men you want to, consider the three areas above and take stock of yourself. It can make all the difference in the world when it comes to finding a fun and easy relationship.